The Art of Seduction: A Misogynist's Guide

As a man who has intercoursed literally some women, my knowledge of seduction is boundless (N.B if you do need to bind the woman to anything then she is not fully seduced). I will take you through the key steps in the seduction process, helping you to attract women who were previously unavailable to you e.g the sober or sane ones.

Step 1: Where?
The place you choose to meet the woman will wholly determine the kind of woman you meet and the type of relationship you have with them. If you want a lasting relationship with mutual respect, love and understanding, then you should go.......... and fuck off. If you want to meet a woman in a club, have drunken sex that you'll forget by morning but be reminded of by a rash, then read on.


Step 2: Finding Your Woman
Choosing your ideal woman isn't easy. I have three criteria that every woman has to meet, is she alive? does she have an accepting orifice? is she definitely a woman this time? As long as she passes all three then she's fine by me, though I'm no saint, I have compromised on those criteria in moments of desperation, but we all get lonely sometimes (and horny at funerals).

Step 2: Scent
Women can smell other women. This doesn't necessarily mean that you should shower more, unless they can smell Eau de Cologne then a shower wouldn't go amiss. It means that, like a good club, you should always keep a queue (though a one in, one out policy isn't always necessary). Remember, the longer you keep them waiting outside, the better they imagine the inside will be- Don't worry though, the prospect of performing doesn't scare me, I give the same sensuous, passionate and disease-free 72 seconds to every woman that's lucky enough to get in line.

Step 3: The Approach/ Chat-Up
Chat-up lines aren't as fashionable as they used to be, but they still work. I don't have a standard one that I use all the time, instead I rotate a few classics. I'll give you a selection of them for you to get started, though it is better if you have your own tailored to your personality.
- Nice shoes, wanna fuck
- I wanna feel your bellybutton from the inside
- Do you wanna come home with me tonight, then have difficulty walking home tomorrow (you imply that you have a massive cock, instead you steal one of their high-heels to masturbate to later)
- I want to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown you are. I will also be licking your vagina, I don't know whether that was implicit from what I initially said (not as succinct as the others, but still works).
- Have you ever modeled cos I'd really like to fuck you

Step 4: Sealing the Deal
Once you've got over the initial approach then all you have to do is not fuck it up. Women like to dance and talk, talk and dance. All you have to do is make sure she's drinking as much as she's dancing and talking, and you're pretty much done. You can also do little things like implying you're rich and have a massive cock, but these have to be done very subtly, try this "I didn't realise that extra-large condoms were so much more expensive than normal ones, my mate was shocked when he found out how much I have to pay, but money doesn't matter to me cos I've got so much of it....I also give loads to charities. Fancy another drink? You're not already too drunk. TAXI!" - very subtle. Job done.


Step 5: Getting Home
A girl will usually be more relaxed in familiar surroundings so going back to hers would be more conducive to an enjoyable evening for her, this would also mean that she wouldn't have to do the walk of shame the next day, so would seem like the gentlemanly thing to do.....so don't do it. If you can, get her back to yours; no sneaking out, no walk home. When getting to yours always get the fastest mode of transport, this will usually be a taxi. This is no time to be cheap. Public transport is slower and better lit than a taxi, she may have time to sober up or see what you look like beneath the florescent lights. Treat her like stolen goods, get her back to your safe-house and plunder your treasure before the authorities are alerted (in this almost perfect analogy, the authorities are her conscience).

Step 6: Getting Her Out
All you have to do is pretend to be asleep, she will wake up and sneak out. To prevent her trying to wake you for directions to the nearest tube station or taxi rank, draw a large map on your wall with clear indications of how to get to the tube, bus, taxi. Remember that women don't have the same capacity for spacial awareness that men do, make the map very easy to understand (N.B do not provide an audio tour or the bitch will just steal you ipod).

There you have it. The 6 step plan to intercourse a lady. If you have followed this plan and have been unable to sex on a woman then I will not take responsibility; If even blind-drunk women think they're out of your league then it's time to hit the gym..or plastic surgeon.

Peace and fucking.