Tyranny

I was branded a tyrant after I punched a woman who couldn't hit the high-note in the play I was directing (Schindler's list the musical). The world needs tyrants. The play wouldn't have been so well received if I hadn't been so determined in my pursuit of perfection ("Poorly performed and poorly acted. The play borders on the racist"- Tim Coen, The Times). I truly believe that in certain circumstances tyranny is necessary.....An eight month suspended sentence and compulsory anger management won't make that stupid bitch be a better singer (the anger management is going very well) but it did get my name in the paper (the reviewers left out my name as not to shame me, but I was heavily featured in "Director punches elderly woman off stage")

"A camel is a horse designed by committee" - The vision of one person leads to clearer results than something produced by a number of people. More people means more opinions and more compromise, everything becomes homogenised and nothing new or innovative comes out of it.....That's why I will solely write and direct my upcoming project "Speed 3: Segregate this".

Speed 3: Segregate this.

Picture this, it's 1955, a bomb is placed beneath a seat on a bus driving through Carolina. The bomb is pressure-sensitive and will go off in ninety minutes if somebody is sat on the seat. The main protagonist, Tim Steele is trying to get everybody off the bus before the bomb blows up. The bus is full of blind children on their way to the Velcro factory (a heart-wrenching plot device, but as useless as a fist-shaped dildo in this situation). Steele races against time to locate the rigged seat; unfortunately when he does, he finds Rosa Parks sitting there. Characteristically she refuses to give up her seat, putting everyone's life at risk. Steele has no time for compromise and is forced to take action, he shoots Parks in the face (possibly saying "protest this!" as he shoots her, not sure yet). Steele's tyranny saved the day, and the blind children get to experience the sensory extravaganza of the Velcro factory.

Not only will this movie help propagate the necessity for tyranny over common sense and democracy, but my actions in making this film will prove that only a true tyrant can produce work this innovative and original- I believe that fear is the greatest motivator, that's why I'll kidnap the first-born child of every cast and crew member (they will have the child returned if I win an Oscar, they will receive an additional child for each subsequent Oscar) - Very reasonable for a tyrant.

Tara: The Early Days

The story of me and Tara is a story as old as time. Boy meets girl lurking in the undergrowth, deep in the Papa New Guinea Jungle. Girl is curious about the boy as she's never seen a white man before. Boy purchases girl from her family and fed-Exs her back to Britain in an extremely cramped container (to save money).

I better elaborate slightly as this story is slightly different from all the other versions you'll have heard before. I was deep in the Papa New Guinea jungle, searching for a botanical cure to having an extra testicle. I suddenly saw something move in the distance, thinking it was a Centaur I set off in hot pursuit. I relentlessly chased the mythical creature through the thick jungle. Suddenly the creature stopped and started moving towards me, as it got nearer I began to realise that it wasn't a Centaur at all, but a woman in half a pantomime horse costume. It was Tara. I'd never seen anybody more beautiful in my life, a cross between Freida Pinto and Black Beauty - wonderful lustrous hair.

She couldn't speak a word of English, but she led me back to her village. She stayed perfectly silent, but pointed and gestured the way. I kept staring at her tail, asking if I could feed the pony. When we got to her village I had so many questions to ask - Was she going to a fancy dress? Where was the rest of her costume? If there is a party, is there anywhere I could rent an E.T costume? Luckily her brother had an electronic translator and he answered all my questions, except how he got the electronic translator.

I asked Tara's brother about her availability, whether she had somebody special. He advised me that she was available and because she was barren, she was very cheap - This made me very happy as I like to get a good deal and I wouldn't need condoms. I traded Tara for my Casio CTK530 keyboard (batteries not included) and decided to head home. Her brother played Total Eclipse of the Heart on the keyboard (poorly) as Tara was loaded onto the Fed-ex truck.

I arrived back in Britain the following morning, I only had a few hours to get the house tidy before she arrived as I'd overnighted her. I remember when the van approached, I felt so happy. I remember that my hand was shaking, I could barely hold the pen when the delivery guy asked me to sign for her. The look on her face when I opened the box. She looked so surprised (and slightly out of breath), I don't think she'd ever seen a dado rail before.

F.Y.I- her name isn't actually Tara, I gave her the name Tara because I couldn't pronounce her real name.Tara is an acronym of a couple of my Heroes, Tori Amos and Rowan Atkinson. Her real name is Equivicado, which is Spanish for "Lady who likes full colon" (that joke couldn't work on more levels if I tried).

Those early days were heaven, nothing but constant sex (till she learnt no in English). I wouldn't trade those memories for the world, though maybe for a Casio CTK496 if anybody has one (preferably pre-loaded with Little Drummer Boy).

Laughter

A doctor will tell you that laughter is a physiological response to an external stimulus that involves various parts of the brain, such as the amygdala and hippocampus. A doctor will also tell you that unprotected sex with numerous strangers is a bad idea (yeah if the definition of bad and awesome were swapped) - Doctors know nothing, they always want to treat a problem with proven science when we all know that laughter is the best medicine (sadly my gonorrhea was no laughing matter so I had to make do with penicillin).

I think of about three jokes a minute, which explains why I laugh five times while I masturbate (I won't explain why I cry afterwards). I love making people laugh, whether I'm lacing peoples drinks with Oxycontin or they're reading my satirical blogs (Today's News: Politicians are well gay and that - cutting). Laughter is unusual in that it is the greatest noise a woman can make with her clothes on, and the worst she can make if my clothes are off, F.Y.I Tara, that's the last time you'll get to see it (because I'm going to adhere to the restraining order from now on).

I like laughing at inappropriate things, things I know are wrong but still find funny. Some of my favourites are sex crimes, fluid discharges and the differences between men and women.......Did you know that, on average, women earn 15% less than men - Hilarious. It doesn't matter what we laugh at (as long as I'm not naked) just that we laugh - laughter has been known to lower blood pressure, release happy endorphins and trigger the production of an extra arm that protrudes from your chest and supports your chin when you're feeling quizzical (The Thinker).

I'll leave you with a quote from St. Agnes of Assisi "Laughter is the triumph of imagination over intelligence...........now please put your dick away, Richard, it's terrifyingly arousing."

Science

I love a lot of things in life, two of my favourites are women and science (and not alcohol, just in case my sponsor, Steve is reading). I know what you're thinking "how can you love something so accurate, logical and honest and love women?" - to me the two aren't mutually exclusive. Sure, in a world of Venn diagrams there isn't an overlap between science and women (except the bionic woman and the woman with three tits from Total Recall) but it doesn't matter. I used to like drinking and driving, but when the two overlap there are terrible consequences, now I'm not allowed to drink or drive (cheers for that Judge Klein and Steve) now I have to take the 12 steps, not just because it's court ordered but also cos my license was suspended. oh and I can't sleep at night because I still see the screaming faces...but I digress.

Science is brilliant, I will now go through some of my favourite bits of science, feel free to take notes.

Potassium Permanganate - KMnO4

Not only is it fun to say, try it with me Po-ta-ssium Per-man-ga-nate but when you dissolve it in water it turns an awesome purple colour. There you have it, fun to say and also very arousing (The colour purple arouses me).

The Brown Ring Test

Not only a good way to see if your girlfriend truly loves you (Tara doesn't) but it's also a handy test for nitrates. So if you ever want to make nitoglycerin and threaten your estranged girlfriend with a "love bomb" then it's a handy test. N.B-do the first brown ring test first though, it will save you a lot of time, heartache and lube- And if she pretends to try it and then complains that it's too painful, she doesn't truly love you - remember, a wise, handsome man once said "it's full colon or nothing".

Staphylococcus

To be honest, I can take or leave the bacteria itself (taking more than leaving if I go to the takeaway near me, it's under a bridge, what was I thinking?) I just really like saying Staphylococcus, try it with me staph-ylo-cocc-us. Brilliant.

The Human Genome Project

I know what you're thinking, Richard, don't you have a garden ornament that sells drugs and gets paid protection money from the windmill next to your pond? - Yes, but he's a G-Gnome. I always get the word genome and g-gnome confused too, its because they're homophones (not the nokia I stick up my ass and ring myself). The human genome project is the mapping of human genes. I had my genome mapped and it showed all the hereditary diseases that I had got from my parents - supposedly there's a good chance I'll get diabetes and that the recurring dream I have about the Asian sex workers is inherited from my mothers side of the family.

Playing God

I've always wanted to be god, I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be omnipotent, that's omnipotent not impotent - I already know what that's like (I inherited that from my dad). Imagine playing God: Cloning, stem cell research, putting on a white beard and trying to convince women you're the second coming (it's the only coming I get these days, thanks dad) - I don't get why people call it "playing God" god doesn't exist, he won't cure cancer, re-grow organs or impregnate a women and leave the country;Scientist should be allowed to do what they won't in the name of science. By the way ladies, I'm donating my body to science and you're science- need I say more.

So that's it, the best bits of science. If you have any queries regarding this blog, or want to track the progress of my research into half-human, half-scorpion drink dispensers (with cocktail straw) then feel free to leave me a comment and I'll try to get back to you.

Prostitution

"Every nation in every region has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the 62% of people that distrust Spanish people........now, watch me bang this whore." - George. W. Bush, September 12, 2001.

The number of prostitutes in Britain increases by 3% each year. At that rate every woman in Britain will be a prostitute by 2026 - I just hope that all my female relatives die long before that ever happens.

I want to make clear that I have never been to a prostitute and never will; I think prostitution is disgusting, degrading, dirty and pathetic. But I understand that prostitution is big business. Though it's not a taxable profession and therefore doesn't directly contribute to our economy, prostitution does provide an influx of cash to the black-market economy. If there were no prostitutes then there would be no pimps, then who would kidnap young women, traffic them to Britain and force them to have sex with 26 men per day. Who would buy all the smack off the smack dealers? Without prostitutes it would just be Scottish people, how would the poor smack dealers survive?

If you buy a kidney from a man down an alley because the N.H.S waiting list is too long, then chances are that the kidney was in a prostitute at some point (though not necessarily one of her kidneys) - Just think about that for a second......now think about what it would be like if we had a scorpion tail that dispensed chilled cheeky vimtos (with coctail straw)- pretty cool, eh?

62% of men in Britain have had at least 1 sexual encounter with a prostitute, whether these are the same people who distrust the Spanish, I cannot say. I'm not here to per/dissuade people from visiting a courtesan, I never will, but you can make up your own mind. I will leave you with a quote from the late Martin Luther King Jnr: " I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood and pay women to degrade themselves for a fee negotiated beforehand." - April 1st, 1968.

Need I say more, NEED I SAY MORE!