The Greatest Night Of My Life

Our eyes locked from across the bar. I broke the stare to check out the rest of her. She looked cheap. She looked cheap in a way that suggested she'd done stuff in the presence of clergymen and animals. She looked cheap in a way that made me want to drape her over furniture.
I smiled to her and she smiled back, she then picked the olive out of her drink, put it between her teeth and sucked the pit out. I looked towards the floor and smiled to myself. When I looked up she had her whole fist in her mouth, she was my kind of girl. 


I went over and introduced myself. I shook her hand (still wet) and asked her what she was drinking. She told me it was an Astroturf (creme de menthe, creme de cacao, milk, chocolate syrup) - She told me that it was named after her, cos once you lay it, it stays around forever. I told her I'll get her a Tumbledryer (vodka, milk, baileys, creme de cacao and kahlua)- I told her that it's called a Tumbledryer cos once you drop a load in it, you don't need it for a couple of days. Get used to it!


The drinks flowed and so did the conversation. She told me that in highschool they called her "Titanic" cos so many men had gone down on her, I said "Oh, I thought it was cos you were full of seamen" - she just laughed (we were both right). Then she gave me a piercing look (she was also staring intently behind me due to her lazy eye). The one that was looking at me cut me to the core. She took her hand and traced a finger down my cheek, she then cupped my face and said "I want you to fuck me whilst shaking me like an English  au pair"- I've never felt so turned on.


The evening moved on and we moved back to my place. Now, a gentleman doesn't divulge  intimate details, let's just say that  I banged her four times and then called her a taxi. I'm no gentleman.


The only reason I'm telling you this is because until last night that was "the greatest night of my life".......last night I took Crystal Meth.

What Men Think About

Women like to quote the fact that men think about sex every eight seconds (72 seconds during sex), they band that fact around like it's a bad thing. But what if sex didn't mean sex? What if sex meant "volunteering for a children's hospital" or "buying your girlfriend an expensive gift" then it wouldn't be so bad would it? Think about that the next time you bang on about our overactive minds- if sex meant "god, I really love my girlfriend" then you'd wish we thought about it every second.

Now, our female friends may be of the opinion that we don't think about sex when we're with them, that our overactive libido's and perverted minds wouldn't stretch to them whilst we're having a Platonic chat. Well Platonic relationships between men and women fall into three categories: women we don't want to sleep with, women who've said that they don't want to sleep with us and women who we haven't yet thought about sleeping with. If you are in the third category, you won't be for long; attractive female friends are like having a doughnut in the fridge: You'll ignore it for a while, you'll try other foods, but eventually you'll realise that you have a doughnut in your fridge (F.Y.I-Doughnut eating and lip-licking may be fun but sleeping with your friends is a bad idea).

On meeting an attractive women there are certain things that go through a man's mind: How fit is she out of ten? What does she look like naked? What are the chances she'll sleep with me (sober)? These are questions that come in to our mind and are answered almost subconsciously, we know the answers as soon as we see the new woman - It's instinct. Now, I can't speak for all men so I won't, but I will speak for the strange man sat in my chair (me). I like to go beyond these questions and go into a little more detail: What type of underwear is she wearing? What do her nipples/areolas look like? What is the pubic hair situation? - I find it fun if I do get to see them naked (rarely), I like to see if I was right. Now, whether I'm just the shittest guesser in the world (possibly) or whether I just don't know women's bodies (more likely) I never get it right. You're hoping for small nipples and areolas and a tight landing strip. You get areolas the size and texture of chocolate-chip cookies with nipples like monkey's fingers, and pubic hair so thick Ray Mears would get lost...... The fun is in the guessing....and then in the fucking (for me anyway, I don't know/care what she's thinking).

Now you know what I'm thinking if I meet you, provided you are an attractive women (If not then I'm wondering if you have any fit friends). Don't let this put you off talking to me though, I might be a pervert and I might think about sex every eight seconds, but I think about football and cars too. Ladies, form an orderly queue.

Thoughts For The Day

• I don't care what you say, I think the Japanese are up to something.

• I prefer a blue pen.

• Men shouldn't wear 3/4 length shorts.

• I like cleansing (ethnically)

• I just don't like live theatre.

• Sausage dogs aren't a tasty as they sound.

• Vodka & lemon Fanta is a great drink.

• I prefer a city break to a beach or ski holiday.

• A lot of men like women in thongs; I'm more of a feminist, I think women look best when they are completely naked.

• Canadian bacon is really nice.

• I like running at night.

• Two fingers are about right, three on occasions, four is time for a new girlfriend.