Love is.....

She looked up at me with those eyes. Those eyes that conveyed so much; So often they looked angry, mischievous, sad, happy, but at that moment they looked innocent. Just innocent. I looked deep into those eyes. A tear formed in one corner and rolled down her cheek. I had nothing to say, I just leant back and stared at the ceiling. What could I say?

I didn't know what to say. What was I supposed to say? Did she want me to say anything? I thought of what she  might want to hear:

• "Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again."
•  "The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."
• "Make me immortal with a kiss."
• "It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... In our hands."
• "The only true gift is a portion of yourself."

I thought about saying all that but I thought that poetry was a bit gay. And by that time I'd come anyway so I just said thanks and told her not to kiss me straight after.

The Rules Of Comedy Pt.1

I maybe no athlete. I maybe no looker. I maybe no clever. I maybe a loser. I may be crying right now, but the one thing I do know is......Thai hookers....and comedy. Thai hookers and comedy. Though I would love to teach you the in and outs (literally) of the Thai hooker trade, I'm going to teach you the art of comedy so that you can get pussy for free (not really). Once you know the rules, you'll be ready to be laughed at just like me.

Rule 1: Timing 

Comedy is all about timing. In my previous blogs I've made no secret of the fact that I can go for 72 seconds at intercoursing a woman. 72 seconds isn't funny, it's god damn impressive (and inexpensive if paying Fook pro-rata). Not coming at all isn't funny. So the first rule of comedy is to find the middle ground, somewhere between not coming at all and coming after a marathon 72 seconds lies comedy gold. Choose wisely,  remember that odd numbers are funnier than even ones and that 69 is not funny. Oh, the answer was A, coming in your pants.

Rule 2: Rule of Three
When you give anyone a list of anything, always make the third thing the punchline, e.g cocaine, Thai hookers, sleep. You always make the third one the punchline regardless of whether the list has three items or more- The first thing is real, the second is irrelevant, the third thing is the one that makes them laugh (hopefully). The only problem with this is that you need a reason to list a number of items, this won't happen all that regularly unless you're a contestant on Family Fortunes. You should always take your opportunities to use this rule, your chances will be few and far between. Oh, the question was "Name the top 10 things you do at night?" (The Howarth family won £37).

Rule 3: Subtlety
Often comedians overstate something or decide to be too loud or too big as they're nervous that the audience won't laugh if they are too subtle. Subtlety is the key, don't ram your bigness down the audience's throat (that was a cock joke for those who didn't get it. I'll give you time to re-read it. Did you get it this time? I know, it was very subtle). You should draw the outline and let the audience fill in the gaps.....less is more. NEED I SAY MORE. NEED I SAY MORE.

Those are the first three rules of comedy, more will follow. The reason that I'm only giving you three isn't that I can't think of any more (I can), or that I can't be bothered to write any more at this time (I can't), it's because you should always leave people wanting more. That's more of an unwritten rule of comedy; Always leave people wanting more..... Though I will write it down at some point as it's a good space-filler.