Part-Time Magician (Gob Bluth Tribute)

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a magician. Ever since I was two and my mum made my dad disappear, I've always wanted to be the centre of attention (you can't ignore a man who keeps doves down his pants. You just can't).

There are a number of things you need to be a magician: perserverence.......purserverense.......persiverence....fuck it -You need two hands and some tricks. I had all three. I started working at children's parties to hone my skills and sleight of hand, but approaching children with "Hey kids, do you wanna see something?", I got into a little trouble...and my name on a list (Plus all my balloon animals looked like penises). The kids parties were fine but it wasn't the sort of work that I wanted to, I wanted to be a serious magician, instead I was bundled in with a bunch of clowns as a children's entertainer. I had too much dignity for that (and doves down my pants).

I got a job at McDonald's during the day, it gave me enough money to buy props for new tricks and it meant that I could work evenings as close-up magician at social events. I was starting to make a name for myself on the circuit and I decided to make some changes to my act - I would dress in a suit at all times (I slept in my birthday suit), I would refer to my tricks as illusions to give them some gravitas, and I would try to schmooze the richer clientèle to help with networking.

I would often perform at banquet halls and posh events, most of my clients were older, a bit of swing music and a magician in a tuxedo, good old fashioned entertainment. I had been doing it a few months when an elderly woman at a party propositioned me, she made it very clear that she would pay me to sleep with her.  I told her that I wasn't interested, "One trick is the same as another" she said. I told her that I was a serious magician, I perform illusions, I don't trick people. She offered me £1000. I politely refused and told her that I had too much dignity, "Don't you work at McDonald's?" she asked......so that's how I ended up sleeping with women for money, actually not just women, sometimes men would follow me to my car and watch me masturbate (The dove looked so scared).

Months went by and I began earning large sums of money, I was getting well paid for my work as a magician and as a prostitute, plus I used my sleight of hand to rob my clients as well, I just thought "Fuck it! If I'm gonna be fucking all these bitches, might as well get me a little taste of the side" (That's how us prostitutes talk by the way). I decided to take a holiday with all this money I'd been earning and so I went to Papa New Guinea. I met Tara (You know the story- http://flus2006-thinktank.blogspot.com/2009/08/tara-early-days.html). She returned to England with me.

Tara was traditional, she didn't like the thought of me having sex with women for money or letting men watch me masturbate, or at least I think that's what she was saying, her English wasn't good, she might have just wanted some cheese. Anyway, I stopped. Tara still had the half a pantomime horse costume that she had been wearing when I met her, so I decided to do a Greek mythology style magic act, culminating in me sawing a centaur (Tara) in half. The act was a huge success.

After me and Tara broke up I just couldn't find it within myself to replace her, plus that bitch sued me and took all my equipment. For a while I was considering getting back into the party scene, but that game's changed now, you won't earn a penny unless you're willing to do weird shit like ball juggling or sword swallowing. Not for me, I have too much dignity for that.

Writing Her A Love Song

I write another blog where I occasionally post lyrics (http://versechorusverse-flus2006.blogspot.com/) and people often ask me, "Richard, how do you write lyrics that good, look that handsome and remain so modest?"- Honestly, It is a struggle, Mr.Not Made Up. Anyway, I'm gonna let you into my secrets and help you impress the ladies. (Secret 1- Don't call them ladies)

Women like three things: Vodka, men with guitars and Greek yoghurt. Now you can pick up two of those at any of your local retailers (prices may vary), but a good singer/songwriter isn't that easy to find. In this blog I'm going to take you through the process of writing a ballad, so that you can serenade the woman you love (or the woman you want to ply with vodka a lick Greek yoghurt off).

First things first, you need to get a particular woman in mind, you can't be all generic about it, that's why my song "Hey, (Insert Name), I want to (Insert Penis)" wasn't a huge success with the ladies. You need to have someone special in mind. Don't just think of her physical appearance, but think about her- Her scent, her taste, the way she makes you feel. If you don't consider her as the fully-formed person that she is then you'll just end up with a bunch of clichés, like in my song "Boom, Bitch, Those Tits Are Great".

I'm going to use a clear rhyme scheme, you don't have to, but without you being able to hear my awesome guitar bits (that's what they're called, right?), it'll be difficult for you to get a proper feel for the song. By the way, I totally can play guitar and I'm awesome, I'm not lying at all. I was once called the John McEnroe of shouting at guitars, which doesn't make any sense but really seems to sum up my ability.

Here we go: The first line has to draw you in, you're writing a ballad so you're trying to tell a story, remember to think about the woman you're writing about and to avoid clichés. I'm gonna start with-

"I've been down this road before, but I haven't done it with you"

Perfect, you've avoided any clichés and you've already given the song an extra depth. On the surface that line is about travelling through life and being alone, but if you read it again it's about sex, It's very subtle but by "done it with you"- I mean sex.........and the road could mean vagina, maybe. Adding these subtle extra layers will show the girl the kind of person you are (deep...and likes sex).

The second line should continue the story, but not rhyme with the first. The problem we have already is that we're trying make this work on two levels, so the second line has to continue being about travelling but also about sex. Difficult-

"I''ve seen other off-ramps but kept on going"

I've continued the themes brilliantly (I'm usually not one to brag, my modesty is the 6th best thing about me).

Now we need a line that rhymes with the first one-

"I knew that they weren't my destination"

Okay, so that line doesn't rhyme with the fist one, we'll just make this next line rhyme, no problem.

"My engine's failing, I need a garage for the night"

Okay, so none of those lines rhymed, but when you're on a roll the words just flow out like liquid silk. I think if I altered the lyrics to make them rhyme it would really be detrimental to the beauty and meaning that I've created.

So here's the first stanza all together-

I've been down this road before, but I haven't done it with you,
I've seen other off-ramps but kept on going,
I knew that they weren't my destination,
My engine's failing, I need a garage for the night.

Just reading it makes me tear-up. It's the kind of lyrics Marti Pellow wished he could write. Now all you need is a few more stanzas like that, maybe a bridge and a chorus...oh and you need to write the guitar bits and you're pretty much done. That's it (you're welcome).

Once you've written your song, and do make sure you write it yourself, as tempting as it is to steal from me. Turn up at the girl's house with a bottle of vodka, some Greek yoghurt and serenade her with your song, and trust me, you'll get your "Garage for the night"- It just works on every level.

Good luck. Peace and fucking.