Writing Her A Love Song

I write another blog where I occasionally post lyrics (http://versechorusverse-flus2006.blogspot.com/) and people often ask me, "Richard, how do you write lyrics that good, look that handsome and remain so modest?"- Honestly, It is a struggle, Mr.Not Made Up. Anyway, I'm gonna let you into my secrets and help you impress the ladies. (Secret 1- Don't call them ladies)

Women like three things: Vodka, men with guitars and Greek yoghurt. Now you can pick up two of those at any of your local retailers (prices may vary), but a good singer/songwriter isn't that easy to find. In this blog I'm going to take you through the process of writing a ballad, so that you can serenade the woman you love (or the woman you want to ply with vodka a lick Greek yoghurt off).

First things first, you need to get a particular woman in mind, you can't be all generic about it, that's why my song "Hey, (Insert Name), I want to (Insert Penis)" wasn't a huge success with the ladies. You need to have someone special in mind. Don't just think of her physical appearance, but think about her- Her scent, her taste, the way she makes you feel. If you don't consider her as the fully-formed person that she is then you'll just end up with a bunch of clichés, like in my song "Boom, Bitch, Those Tits Are Great".

I'm going to use a clear rhyme scheme, you don't have to, but without you being able to hear my awesome guitar bits (that's what they're called, right?), it'll be difficult for you to get a proper feel for the song. By the way, I totally can play guitar and I'm awesome, I'm not lying at all. I was once called the John McEnroe of shouting at guitars, which doesn't make any sense but really seems to sum up my ability.

Here we go: The first line has to draw you in, you're writing a ballad so you're trying to tell a story, remember to think about the woman you're writing about and to avoid clichés. I'm gonna start with-

"I've been down this road before, but I haven't done it with you"

Perfect, you've avoided any clichés and you've already given the song an extra depth. On the surface that line is about travelling through life and being alone, but if you read it again it's about sex, It's very subtle but by "done it with you"- I mean sex.........and the road could mean vagina, maybe. Adding these subtle extra layers will show the girl the kind of person you are (deep...and likes sex).

The second line should continue the story, but not rhyme with the first. The problem we have already is that we're trying make this work on two levels, so the second line has to continue being about travelling but also about sex. Difficult-

"I''ve seen other off-ramps but kept on going"

I've continued the themes brilliantly (I'm usually not one to brag, my modesty is the 6th best thing about me).

Now we need a line that rhymes with the first one-

"I knew that they weren't my destination"

Okay, so that line doesn't rhyme with the fist one, we'll just make this next line rhyme, no problem.

"My engine's failing, I need a garage for the night"

Okay, so none of those lines rhymed, but when you're on a roll the words just flow out like liquid silk. I think if I altered the lyrics to make them rhyme it would really be detrimental to the beauty and meaning that I've created.

So here's the first stanza all together-

I've been down this road before, but I haven't done it with you,
I've seen other off-ramps but kept on going,
I knew that they weren't my destination,
My engine's failing, I need a garage for the night.

Just reading it makes me tear-up. It's the kind of lyrics Marti Pellow wished he could write. Now all you need is a few more stanzas like that, maybe a bridge and a chorus...oh and you need to write the guitar bits and you're pretty much done. That's it (you're welcome).

Once you've written your song, and do make sure you write it yourself, as tempting as it is to steal from me. Turn up at the girl's house with a bottle of vodka, some Greek yoghurt and serenade her with your song, and trust me, you'll get your "Garage for the night"- It just works on every level.

Good luck. Peace and fucking.