My First Girlfriend

You never forget your first girlfriend. The first person to lower their standards enough to accept you for who you are. Mine was special. Her name was Rachael Connors. She had strawberry blonde hair (NOT GINGER!) and green eyes, and though the words that came out said no, her mouth was definitely saying yes. Full, plump lips, she would purse them just enough to drive you wild, any less and she'd look like a trout, any more and she'd look mentally ill. I remember the first time I ever kissed her, her raspberry lip-gloss tasted amazing, though she was confused as to why I had it on (what, a guy can't make an effort).

I would spend hours composing her poetry, lyrics and sonnets. And when my words weren't enough to fully explain the depth of my feeling, I would read her Keats and Yeats, Byron and Coleridge, and she would reciprocate by letting me feel her up. We were perfect together, like strawberries and cream, heroin and prostitution, gin and post-partum depression. It's amazing to find someone who compliments you so perfectly (in that she told me how I was the funniest man she'd ever met).

We were both sexually inexperienced but we were learning together. She was nervous and I was patient (really fucking patient). I remember the first time I realsied just how much I cared for her- She was staying over at mine and we were laying on the bed, she was tired and had her head on my chest. I remember watching her head move up and down as I breathed, I could feel her hot breath on my chest (she was breathing heavily as she'd just given me a handski). I felt so content and serene.


For almost a year we were fooling around without actually having sex. It wasn't that she was repressed or religious, but that she was a romantic. She wanted her first time to be perfect. She would tell me endlessly that she wanted the kind of love you only see in fairytales, I complied by saying "Once upon a time" before I went down on her. But still she waited.

I remember the very day that she told me she was ready. It was Sunday October 6th, 12:14pm. I remember because she said we could have sex the next weekend when her parents went away. It was the longest 151 hours, 43 minutes and 12 seconds of my life. But Saturday finally arrived and I was ready. I was a little nervous because though I'd done almost everything before, it was my first time putting everything into practice. I'd done the kissing and the breathing on the neck. I'd licked, sucked and caressed. I'd done nearly all of it. But now I wasn't just playing one instrument at a time, now I had to put together a full orchestra....with crescendo. It was daunting, but I knew it would be okay cos she would be there with me.

She was laying on her bed, wearing nothing but a pair of French knickers (are they called French knickers cos they're often stuck up cunts, who knows?). Anyway, we were getting down to it, I was kissing, stroking, breathing, caressing in all the right places, I started to move my head further down for a Spanish kiss (like a French kiss only further south). I started to pull down her underwear, she arched herself up so I could remove them easier. Just as I slipped them past her feet she sat bolt upright and stared straight at me.

She had a look in her eyes that said "I agree with China's forced sterilisation of couples in their attempt to reduce their population." She had been saying something to me but I wasn't listening due to the radical political views that I could see in her eyes. She told me that something wasn't right, that maybe we should stop. I told her that she was just a little nervous but everything would be okay. I reassured her that I loved her and that I would never do anything to hurt her. She still said no. "You fucking prick tease" I shouted, this made her very upset (who knew?). She started to cry, it was at this point that I realised that we probably weren't having sex today.


She stood and opened the door.She was still naked and slightly wet (mainly from the tears). She told me to get out. I don't know what had happened but I knew it wasn't right. None of this was fair, not having sex was bad enough, but having to walk past her when she was completely naked just added insult to the injury- It was like when a contestant loses really badly on a gameshow and then they open the doors and show you loads of amazing stuff "Here's what you could've won". It was bang out of order. On my way out of the door she told me that we were finished, she also told me that I'd never be in a Led Zeppelin tribute act, at the time I didn't care but that still haunts me to this day. I never will. 

I found out from her best mate that she'd been thinking about it for a while but thought that I might be good enough in bed to make up for all the flaws in my personality, turns out I wasn't. She also made sure she did it the week before my birthday so she wouldn't have to buy me a present. My 22nd birthday was one of the worst I've ever had.