My First Girlfriend

You never forget your first girlfriend. The first person to lower their standards enough to accept you for who you are. Mine was special. Her name was Rachael Connors. She had strawberry blonde hair (NOT GINGER!) and green eyes, and though the words that came out said no, her mouth was definitely saying yes. Full, plump lips, she would purse them just enough to drive you wild, any less and she'd look like a trout, any more and she'd look mentally ill. I remember the first time I ever kissed her, her raspberry lip-gloss tasted amazing, though she was confused as to why I had it on (what, a guy can't make an effort).

I would spend hours composing her poetry, lyrics and sonnets. And when my words weren't enough to fully explain the depth of my feeling, I would read her Keats and Yeats, Byron and Coleridge, and she would reciprocate by letting me feel her up. We were perfect together, like strawberries and cream, heroin and prostitution, gin and post-partum depression. It's amazing to find someone who compliments you so perfectly (in that she told me how I was the funniest man she'd ever met).

We were both sexually inexperienced but we were learning together. She was nervous and I was patient (really fucking patient). I remember the first time I realsied just how much I cared for her- She was staying over at mine and we were laying on the bed, she was tired and had her head on my chest. I remember watching her head move up and down as I breathed, I could feel her hot breath on my chest (she was breathing heavily as she'd just given me a handski). I felt so content and serene.


For almost a year we were fooling around without actually having sex. It wasn't that she was repressed or religious, but that she was a romantic. She wanted her first time to be perfect. She would tell me endlessly that she wanted the kind of love you only see in fairytales, I complied by saying "Once upon a time" before I went down on her. But still she waited.

I remember the very day that she told me she was ready. It was Sunday October 6th, 12:14pm. I remember because she said we could have sex the next weekend when her parents went away. It was the longest 151 hours, 43 minutes and 12 seconds of my life. But Saturday finally arrived and I was ready. I was a little nervous because though I'd done almost everything before, it was my first time putting everything into practice. I'd done the kissing and the breathing on the neck. I'd licked, sucked and caressed. I'd done nearly all of it. But now I wasn't just playing one instrument at a time, now I had to put together a full orchestra....with crescendo. It was daunting, but I knew it would be okay cos she would be there with me.

She was laying on her bed, wearing nothing but a pair of French knickers (are they called French knickers cos they're often stuck up cunts, who knows?). Anyway, we were getting down to it, I was kissing, stroking, breathing, caressing in all the right places, I started to move my head further down for a Spanish kiss (like a French kiss only further south). I started to pull down her underwear, she arched herself up so I could remove them easier. Just as I slipped them past her feet she sat bolt upright and stared straight at me.

She had a look in her eyes that said "I agree with China's forced sterilisation of couples in their attempt to reduce their population." She had been saying something to me but I wasn't listening due to the radical political views that I could see in her eyes. She told me that something wasn't right, that maybe we should stop. I told her that she was just a little nervous but everything would be okay. I reassured her that I loved her and that I would never do anything to hurt her. She still said no. "You fucking prick tease" I shouted, this made her very upset (who knew?). She started to cry, it was at this point that I realised that we probably weren't having sex today.


She stood and opened the door.She was still naked and slightly wet (mainly from the tears). She told me to get out. I don't know what had happened but I knew it wasn't right. None of this was fair, not having sex was bad enough, but having to walk past her when she was completely naked just added insult to the injury- It was like when a contestant loses really badly on a gameshow and then they open the doors and show you loads of amazing stuff "Here's what you could've won". It was bang out of order. On my way out of the door she told me that we were finished, she also told me that I'd never be in a Led Zeppelin tribute act, at the time I didn't care but that still haunts me to this day. I never will. 

I found out from her best mate that she'd been thinking about it for a while but thought that I might be good enough in bed to make up for all the flaws in my personality, turns out I wasn't. She also made sure she did it the week before my birthday so she wouldn't have to buy me a present. My 22nd birthday was one of the worst I've ever had.

If I Had A Million Dollars

If I had a million dollars these are the things that I would do. The more pedantic of you might notice that some of the things aren't feasible....or cost more than a million dollars 

• Eradicate all pedantry and problems with feasibility (happy now?!)
• I like the outsideness of walking but I'm not a fan of physically walking. Boom - Robot legs.
• A monkey that could bring me chilled drinks (Coca-Cola) and ham sandwiches (with mustard).
• To go watch Barcelona play football, maybe kiss Messi on the mouth, who knows?
• To watch The Stone Roses live and sing the chorus to Sally Cinnamon
• To have a robot that agreed with everything I said. I'd be like "I reckon if Bruce Lee were still alive I could 'av him in a fight" and my robot (Professor Balls) would be like "Absolutely, you'd roundhouse kick him to the face a he'd be fucked up". That would be great.
• Penis reduction (So that I just had one).
• I'd get a girlfriend who was okay but break up with her and then get another one, just so that I could say, "You're much better than my last girlfriend, she was okay, but you're better." And she'd be like "Yeah, I kinda like you too". I'd like that.
• I'd learn how to paint so that I could paint stuff. I wouldn't paint gay shit like flowers or people, but quality stuff like a fucking ten foot orange. Pow, it's a fucking ten foot orange.
• I'd buy the Back To The Future trilogy on blu-ray, I already own it on dvd but I want it on blu-ray. I also want Marty McFly's hoverboard and his Nike trainers.
• I'd get a group of women to come out with me on nights out so that I could get into clubs that want an even mix of men and women. Once inside I could roam about the club trying to meet women. Perfect plan.
• I'd build a lake in my back garden and fill it with fish.
• I'd wear clean underwear everyday, I know it sounds extravagant but it's the kind of eccentric luxury that money can buy.
• I'd get a guy that kind of looks like me but is slightly worse looking. Then I'd get him to hang around with me so that women would be like, "Your mate looks a lot like you, but you're slightly better looking". Then I'd ask them out and they'd say no, but it's okay 'cos my mate is worse looking.
• I'd buy a panda.
• I'd pay for a million trees to be planted in the rainforest. Then I'd buy a huge car and tell any eco-freaks to fuck right off.
• I'd tell everyone that I could speak Creole even though I couldn't. Then I start saying gibberish and get a mate to pretend to understand. Then I'd seem cultured.
• I'd get an exact replica of me made. I'd stand him in the corner of the room while I'm having sex (with a woman) so it's like I'm watching myself have sex. If the woman is weired out I'll just tell her that it's so I never forget my dead twin, she'll be fine with it and we can't get back down to the sex.
• I'll buy a juicer and actually use it.
• I'll put all the money in a high interest savings account and live my life as I do now. But I'd walk down the street and be like "I've got a million dollars in the bank." Then I'd buy a can of Fanta. Tremendous.
• I'd give a small portion to charity.
• I'd build a gym in my garden, and then pay a man to come up with new reasons why I'm not going to the gym now that it's in my back garden.
• I'd spend much of my time drinking gin and tonics.
• Two words: Shark fights.
• I'd build a moat and drawbridge around my house but never raise the drawbridge, cos I'm friendly.
• I'd buy a flat in Paris cos I once heard that ladies from France don't wear any pants.
• I'd try to bring peace to the world. Failing that I'd stop all news getting to my house so at least I didn't have to hear about the trouble.
• I'd pay the rest of the Jackson 5 to dance on Michael's grave so it was sort of like a reunion.
• I'd have my own dictionary made so that I could finally win at scrabble.
• I'd write beautiful, romantic poetry on paper and then fold it into origami swans. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Then I'd set all the swans out onto my lake, these little papers swans floating across the tranquil water.Then I'd invite the woman I love to come for a boat ride. I'd row her out into the middle of the lake, then I'd tell her to pick up one of the swans. As she was leaning over to pick one up I'd push her in the water and laugh really hard. 
• I'd want to physically dominate the prime minister of Japan, just to let him know that despite what they're up to, I could still 'av him in a fight.

That's it. Those are all the things I'd do if I had a million dollars. Now you can all stop bothering me, I'm sick of it-"Oh Richard, what would you do if you had a million dollars?". "Richard, if I gave you a million dollars, what would you spend it on". Now you know.

The Meaning Of Life

There is no god - That's the good news. We don't need to live our lives based upon an antiquated loyalty system (frequent Jesus miles). The final destination of our soul does not depend on how closely we follow the teachings of anyone. I will not go to heaven. I will not go to hell. The sooner you realise this the sooner you'll actually start to live.

"But the (insert your holy book) teaches us how be good people. It teaches us right and wrong." Bullshit - We know right and wrong because of our (hopefully) ethical upbringings. We don't need to be good to get into heaven, we are good because it's the right thing to do.The only commandments you'll ever need are:

• Don't purposefully hurt anybody else.
• Have a fucking riot while you're here.

I know what you're thinking, "Have you been working out? You look great" - I have, thanks for noticing. But you're also thinking "What's this got to do with the meaning of life you self-righteous bastard?" - Well, religious people believe that the point of our existence is to lead a good life so that we can have eternal happiness in heaven. Once you realise that we're not going to heaven then you've got to wonder why we're here.

Some people will literally murder another human being for more money or power. In everyday life people will try to crush, hurt, sabotage others just for a promotion....or to get financially raped by Simon Cowell on a talent show. Other people strive for legacy, they want their name on a building or to have done something so that they'll be remembered after they die.

When you're lead on your deathbed, or under the bus that hit you or holding a gun to your own temple, do you really think it mattered how much money you earned, how many cars you owned or how many fucking buildings have your name on?

Life is about the connections we make with people, good or bad. Life is about those connections and the consequences of them. When you close your eyes for that final time, you won't be thinking of the big house you and your wife lived in, you'll be thinking of the smile on her face the first time you made her laugh. You won't think about the expensive bike your parents bought you as a kid, but your dad holding the bike upright while he was teaching you to ride it. You won't think of the thread-count of the sheets your wife bought, but that feeling of absolute contentment every time you fell asleep with her next to you.

In general, life isn't short, in the U.K today the average life expectancy is 79.9.You should do the most you can with everyday, not because life is short but because life is fucking long. You're gonna be sat in an old-people's home for maybe a quarter of your life- Live now so that at least you can close your eyes and remember when you were this young, this thin, this good-looking.This person.

You've got plenty of time to earn your money, to buy cars and houses, but you've only got a short time to make the memories that'll last forever. Nights out with friends, holidays, adventures, drink, drugs, fucking. You can only do something the first time once - First drink, first holiday with mates, first time you fall in love, first time you get your heart broken, first child. You'll remember them for the rest of your life, so get 'em right the first time.

This blog has been long and overly sincere but I can't finish it without telling the story of Samuel Herpes. Herpes was a great man, he was great at two things, loving women and molecular genetics. He lived his whole life in the pursuit of women........and finding a cure to having an extra testicle.

Shortly after his 50th birthday his third testicle began to grow at an exponential rate. Herpes increased his efforts to find a cure....and to love more women. After months and months of struggle (mainly with walking) he found the cure, but it came just one day before he died. He documented his results so that nobody would have to suffer like he did.

On his deathbed he called every woman he'd ever loved into his bedroom, the room was full, maybe 30 or 40 women. Herpes said that he would like to love each of these women just one more time. The women were only happy to oblige. They all undressed and waited for their time with him, that's when they noticed they all had a rash on their genitals. One woman said "Samuel, what is this?", he said "I don't know, but you should call it Herpes".
Another woman chimed in, "But I thought you were going to call your cure to having an extra testicle The Herpes method?". He replied "Why would I want to be remembered for spending my life in a lab, when I could be remembered for loving all of you". And with that, he died.

Peace and fucking (use condoms).