Love is.....

This is a Valentine's blog early enough for you guys to take quotes from it to use in Valentine's cards (I especially like the bit where he talks about fisting and men's anus', quote those bits) - I think Bracket-Guy might gay. Anyway, enjoy.

It's difficult for me to talk about love because, like a man's anus, I've never been in it. One of the reasons that I've never been in love is because I'm emotionally distant and find it difficult to connect with women.....the other reason is that I compare love to a man's anus and women don't go for that.

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you. "

I see love all around me and it seems great. People laughing, smiling, frolicking- They're all so god damn happy. Sometimes I feel that I'm missing out on one of the fundamental experiences of being a human, that, until I experience being in love I haven't fully lived-  Although half the people I know haven't been bear-baiting so it's swings and roundabouts.

"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet."

I used to be very closed off to love, using my sarcasm and rapier wit to make sure nobody could get close enough to care. Now I just feel as though I'm missing the ability to connect with someone on such a profound level, that maybe I won't be able to reach that level of intimacy. You can't use short-cuts - I once tried inserting my hand so far up a girl that I could stroke her heart (not as intimate as it sounds).

"Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again."

I'm not sat here all alone at 2:51 a.m wishing that I was in bed with someone. I'm not lonely and I'm not pining for love. I'm as happy now as I've ever been in my life. I'd just like to be in love just once, if only so that I can fully appreciate the music of Phil Collins.

"Kiss me and you will see stars; love me and I will give them to you."

If you are in love -treasure it. If you secretly love someone -tell them. If you had love and lost it, appreciate the time you had but move on. Don't take it for granted and be glad you have it (Jesus, have you read over what he's written? Maybe he hasn't found love cos he's a faggot) - That's not cool Bracket-Guy, what do you know? You're only here for subtext.

Love is.......

"If you love me only in my dreams, let me be asleep forever."

Sex Talk

Men and women are different. I'm not gonna do the standard thing of making jokes about how men like to have sex and women have headaches and buy shoes- it's been done to death, it's not wholly accurate and it's boring. I'm gonna do the post-modern irony thing, which 15 years ago would've just been called sexist- The main difference between men and women is about 12% in wages. Women complain that there is a glass ceiling in business. That they can't break the glass ceiling of wage structure. I think if women stopped trying to be businesswomen (I had to add that to my spell-check dictionary, not a real word), took their underwear off and stood above the glass ceiling, then they'll really start earning some cash.

Anyway, I digress, that wasn't the joke I came on here to write.

The difference between men and women is the way they talk about sex. For the most part I'm speculating here about what women talk about, but I think it's right (though I'd love it if it was wrong). Men (me and my mates) will see a woman, any attractive woman and start saying really specific things. Not just stuff like, "I'd really like to fuck her" or "she had tits for days." I'm talking stuff like, "I'd like her to get down on all fours with her legs together. Then I want to cover her in cream, slowly rub her pussy and lick her fucking asshole" - that kind of specific.

Now, I'm only speculating here but I don't think women talk like that. I can't picture this scenario happening:

"Sarah?"

"Yeah"

"You know Dave?"

"Dave who?"

"Dave, I met him for drinks the other night, I told you about him. He works as a banker."

"Oh yeah. What about him?"

"You know what I'd really like to do?"

"Go on, what?"

"I'd really like to take down his jeans and boxers, cover his cock in chocolate syrup"

"Go on"

"Then I'd slowly put one of my fingers in his ass while I put his whole dick right inside my fucking face"

"Yeah"

I just don't see it happening. Ladies, if I'm wrong then I apologise. 

A man will see a woman and be like, I'd fuck her. I know that women do the same. But when men say that they'd fuck someone they mean it unconditionally. Once he's seen her and wants to fuck her then there is very, very little that would stop him from doing so. She works as a cleaner- I'd fuck her. She doesn't speak English- I'd fuck her. She's really fucking stupid- Is she legally retarded? No, I'd fuck her.

Whereas a woman will see a guy who she thinks, I'd fuck him, but it comes with conditions (with some exceptions, women who holiday in Faliraki, the whole of Newcastle) but generally as well as being attractive a man will have to have other qualities before they'll fuck him.

Strangely, a woman can also fuck a guy who she doesn't find attractive at all just because he has certain qualities. Certain women will suck a fat, ugly guy's sweaty cock as long as she's doing it in his penthouse. Others are attracted to funny men, if an ugly man can make a woman laugh she will find him attractive- it does have to be the right kind of funny though, the kind of funny that women don't find attractive is pretty much contained in this blog.

Usually I try to sum things up in the last paragraph, tie up all the ends for you, but I can't really do that this time as this blog is all over the place. What I will say is, if, in the future, you are an attractive women and you might one day suck my penis (please do) then please do it for the right reasons- don't do it because I might be rich, don't do it cos I'm funny, but do it for the best reason of all- cos I'm good looking. 

Peace and fucking.

Happiness

I wrote the book on happiness, literally, it's called Happiness and You. When I wrote the book I didn't really know what happiness was, subsequently found out that it's buying a larger house from my royalty cheques. I'm currently working on a sequel, I'm calling it Happiness and You Too (My girlfriend wants a speedboat).

I've had some unhappy times (like the time I was told that I was too ugly to be a television presenter and I had to resort to writing a self-help novel), but I've also had some good times (no memories found). Though I may not have experienced as many happy times as other people- I've seen them from a distance, seen them laughing, smiling, holding hands with people, those bastards! Anyway, here is my short guide to happiness and how to get it.

Be Rich
"Money can't buy happiness"- of course not, money is happiness. Money allows you to avoid the complications that other people have to go through. The number of families that are torn apart by debt and poverty. Families tossed out onto the street because their house has been repossessed. It also allows you to purchase a higher quality of prostitute. Being rich will ease your strife. If you get rich enough, say if your a high-profile sportsman, it means that you can kill your wife and her lover and get away with it. So to recap: Get rich. Stay rich. Hire prostitutes. Kill your wife. Be happy.

Be A Good-looking Woman
This is a bit of a lottery. You're either are a good-looking woman or you're not. Being a good-looking man isn't quite as effective (I should know). Being a really hot woman allows you to avoid a lot of life's problems- You don't have to do any real work because a man will always hire you to model, present television shows, lie on a table, naked with sushi being eaten off you (the dream). They never have to lift anything heavy or do any strenuous work as a man will always offer to do it for them. I know what you're wondering (does he really hate attractive women this much?) "How does all this make the good-looking women happy?"- Simple, the women use their attractiveness to get rich (which I've proven makes you happy). Now the women rarely earn the money themselves, they just marry a rich man and gain the money that way, it's sexually transmitted wealth.Simple.

Be Religious
Now I'm not a religious person, I believe anybody that believes in God is an idiot and will burn in hell. However, I have found that religious people are happier than us atheists. They wander through life with the belief that "everything happens for a reason" or "God moves in mysterious ways" - these are the classic religious get-out clauses that mean that you can still believe in God even though your mother died of leukaemia  or that children in Africa are born with AIDs- it's perfect. No matter how shit your life is on Earth it will all be okay in heaven (or whatever nirvana you've been promised). This makes them very happy (and irritating, and depending on religion, touch kids).
To sum up: Choose a religion (any of them). Blindly believe everything your holy book says. Follow the rules of you religion (forgoing any real fun life has to offer). Don't blame God when your friends and family die. Thank God when you have any luck in life. Indoctrinate your children to follow the same religion. Think you're going to heaven. Die. Burn and be scattered or be worm food.

Those are just a few of the tips you'll find in my book Happiness and You Too. Please buy the book, my girlfriend has been getting mouthy and I don't have quite enough money to be above the law yet, or buy and knife and Ford Bronco.

Be safe. Be happy. Hire prostitutes. Get Rich