Sex Talk

Men and women are different. I'm not gonna do the standard thing of making jokes about how men like to have sex and women have headaches and buy shoes- it's been done to death, it's not wholly accurate and it's boring. I'm gonna do the post-modern irony thing, which 15 years ago would've just been called sexist- The main difference between men and women is about 12% in wages. Women complain that there is a glass ceiling in business. That they can't break the glass ceiling of wage structure. I think if women stopped trying to be businesswomen (I had to add that to my spell-check dictionary, not a real word), took their underwear off and stood above the glass ceiling, then they'll really start earning some cash.

Anyway, I digress, that wasn't the joke I came on here to write.

The difference between men and women is the way they talk about sex. For the most part I'm speculating here about what women talk about, but I think it's right (though I'd love it if it was wrong). Men (me and my mates) will see a woman, any attractive woman and start saying really specific things. Not just stuff like, "I'd really like to fuck her" or "she had tits for days." I'm talking stuff like, "I'd like her to get down on all fours with her legs together. Then I want to cover her in cream, slowly rub her pussy and lick her fucking asshole" - that kind of specific.

Now, I'm only speculating here but I don't think women talk like that. I can't picture this scenario happening:

"Sarah?"

"Yeah"

"You know Dave?"

"Dave who?"

"Dave, I met him for drinks the other night, I told you about him. He works as a banker."

"Oh yeah. What about him?"

"You know what I'd really like to do?"

"Go on, what?"

"I'd really like to take down his jeans and boxers, cover his cock in chocolate syrup"

"Go on"

"Then I'd slowly put one of my fingers in his ass while I put his whole dick right inside my fucking face"

"Yeah"

I just don't see it happening. Ladies, if I'm wrong then I apologise. 

A man will see a woman and be like, I'd fuck her. I know that women do the same. But when men say that they'd fuck someone they mean it unconditionally. Once he's seen her and wants to fuck her then there is very, very little that would stop him from doing so. She works as a cleaner- I'd fuck her. She doesn't speak English- I'd fuck her. She's really fucking stupid- Is she legally retarded? No, I'd fuck her.

Whereas a woman will see a guy who she thinks, I'd fuck him, but it comes with conditions (with some exceptions, women who holiday in Faliraki, the whole of Newcastle) but generally as well as being attractive a man will have to have other qualities before they'll fuck him.

Strangely, a woman can also fuck a guy who she doesn't find attractive at all just because he has certain qualities. Certain women will suck a fat, ugly guy's sweaty cock as long as she's doing it in his penthouse. Others are attracted to funny men, if an ugly man can make a woman laugh she will find him attractive- it does have to be the right kind of funny though, the kind of funny that women don't find attractive is pretty much contained in this blog.

Usually I try to sum things up in the last paragraph, tie up all the ends for you, but I can't really do that this time as this blog is all over the place. What I will say is, if, in the future, you are an attractive women and you might one day suck my penis (please do) then please do it for the right reasons- don't do it because I might be rich, don't do it cos I'm funny, but do it for the best reason of all- cos I'm good looking. 

Peace and fucking.