But I'm not one of those addicts that can suddenly go cold-turkey, what I do is make specific rules and rigorously stick to them so I can continue to drink, bang Valium up my ass etc. but in moderation - I feel it's very much what Rain Man would do if he couldn't stop injecting smack. It's a good system for anybody who likes gambling or bam-bam a bit too much. Instead of getting an 1/8th of Mandy now I only get half a g.......admittedly I often get 6 halves but....still....I'm not an addict any more.
The one addiction that I haven't been able to control is my sex addiction. That's right, my name is Richard and I'm into to some seriously dark and depraved fetishist sex........oh, and I also have a sex addiction. I know you're thinking that sex addiction is all bullshit and that, essentially, all men would be sex addicts if they could be, well, it's not like that. Every moment of every day I fight against this horrible disease. I know a lot of you (all 3 of you) will be judging me, but I'm just like all of you, I put my pants on one leg at a time, though I have to avoid corduroy cos it really turns me on.
The problem isn't that I'm addicted to having regular sex with women, most of the women that I meet are extremely helpful in controlling that problem; No, with me it's just certain inanimate objects, sounds or textures that drive me mental. I don't why they arouse me but I just can't control myself when something triggers me.
The problem came to a head in 2004 on a drive to Aberdeen. I was on my way to a business meeting, casually driving my mum's Fiat Grande Punto, not being sexually aroused by anything. About half way there I realised that a mid-range engine note was really turning me on. Every time I accelerated past 4000 rpm I got insanely aroused, so much so that I had to pull over, put my belt round my neck and sort myself out. After I had finished I returned to the motorway, for an hour or so I could hear the sound without any problem, but, again, the necessity to alleviate the problem became excruciating....... I had to pull over. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I was hospitalised with extreme chafing around my neck and it took me 13 days to get to Aberdeen. I lost my job and I had almost pulled my penis right off, something had to change.
The reason that this addiction is worse than my other addictions is that I can't control it. I tried making a list of rules to help control myself, but I get so fucking turned on by bullet points that it was impossible. All I can do is find out what my triggers are and do my best to avoid them. Here is a list of the ones I know about, I'll try to avoid using too many of those slutty fucking bullet points.
- Bullet points
- Lists
- The engine sound of a Fiat Grande Punto at around four thousand revs
- The word "Apropo"
- Tables with a wonky leg
- Owls
- Democracy. I go fucking nuts for democracy. In fact, I was once arrested for putting both my balls in a ballot slot.
- Footsteps in snow
- Corduroy pants
- Chilean miners
- Chilean Minors
- Picket lines
- Tuning forks
- Gnomes
- Sitting in a wheelchair
- When a woman says no to me
- Cancer charities
- Ordinance survey maps
- That beeping sound large vehicles make when they reverse
- Bad puns.
- Statistics about the gap between men and women's salaries
- Caves that echo
- Caves that don't echo
- The word "potholing"
- People who pronounce "Bowie" slightly different to me
- Celebrity obituaries, though that's only because I had great sex for almost the entire length of Billie Jean on the day that Michael Jackson died.
- The way ducks walk
- Cornish pasties
- When anybody sings vibrato
- The idea that I may, one day, die in a house fire
There, that's it. If you've been wondering why it's been almost three months since my last blog it's because it took me two and a half months and almost three grands worth of moisturiser just to write that list. I just hope that more people can read this and be made aware of this horrible affliction. Just because we get uncontrollably aroused by midget's shoes doesn't mean we aren't people too.
