Dr. Richard Howarth Ph.d

I would like to start off by making it clear that I'm not an M.D, my doctorate is in linguistics, so if you come to me with a damaged colon then all I can offer is a replacement comma or full stop (though if you were taking the brown ring test then you do have my respect ***please read previous blogs for callbacks, try to keep up***) I speak every language on the face of the earth, so if you need a translation then don't go to the Rosetta Stone or even Rosetta Stone (software) just consult me. I will now give you the derivation of some of my favourite words from my upcoming book, just to give you a taste (Taste, from the French tastier which means "To put in mouth, not for the purpose of somebody coming and that")

Paralympics

The prefix "Para" means sideways, it derives from the Latin "Parallel" which means "A ladder without any rungs." "Olympics" is derived from the Greek "Olympus", the mountain in Greece where all the gods live and that. Put the two together and you have sideways-mountain. Now, you may wonder what this has to do with the competitors of the Paralympics? Well, the majority of mountains on earth are upright and in this day and age "disabled" is an ugly word as it implies that there is something wrong- So a person in a wheelchair, a blind person or someone with half a robot leg isn't "disabled", they're just a sideways mountain in an upright world.

Vagina

Now some of you may think that Vagina means "sheath", a covering for a sword (pork) but that's incorrect and disrespectful to vaginas. Calling them after what it covers doesn't do them justice and it's sexist as it implies it would be useless without a penis, which if you've seen my video collection isn't true and it could as easily be called "Glove", "banana peel" and "face mask". In fact the "Vag" (I'll try not to use that syllable on it's own too often, it's not the best. F.Y.I feminine hygiene products, stop using "Vag" as the first syllable in product names, it's not nice. Use Woohoosy cream instead of Vagisil) Anyway "Vag" actually means wander or vacation, the word "vagrant" derives from the same prefix. The "Ina" has been shortened over time from "Inall" to "Ina", "Inall" meaning "in all". Combine the two and you have "Vacation or wander in all", not to be taken too literally if my girlfriend is reading this, vacationing in four and a half inches is more than enough. Legend has it that us Europeans first heard "wonder is all" shouted by a squatting Thai hooker over seven hundred years ago, of course she was actually shouting "Wonder in awe" (funny if said in stereotypical Chinese accent.)

These days people don't really use the word vagina as much as they used to, they prefer their own euphisms, it's very rare these days that vagina will come out of someone's mouth- That's why I will take you through all modern euphenisms in my book "Euphemisms and their Euses" - you'll get the story behind such classics as "trumpet fondler", "doughnut bumper" and "clam-jouster."

If you would like further reading then Paralympics and Vagina are just two of the translations you can find in my upcoming book "That word doesn't really mean what you think and that, though most of the ones in this title do, except one, find out inside" (catchy and intriguing title if I do say so myself)

If you would like me to translate any other words then pop them in the comment box and I'll do that for you, they do have to have at least two syllables and please specify which word in the sentence, comments such as "fuck off", "you're a twat" and "trumpet fondler" are useless as I don't know which word to translate and I can't do them all. Tank you.

Porn & Pay

Porn is a necessity for all men. Porn is a means to an end. Porn gets the job done. For most women porn isn't all that necessary. Porn is what they deny their boyfriend's have. But for certain women porn is necessary, to the women not attractive enough to be a model, not addicted to enough drugs to be a prostitute, porn is a means to an end;It's their job to get done.

Jenna Jameson is worth fifty million dollars, whereas the average wage for a doctor is around one hundred thousand pounds per year. A doctor takes care of sick people, Jenna Jameson takes cock. It is getting to the point in our society where double anal is more valuable than a double bypass, where getting fucked in a nurses uniform is better paid than going to hospital in a nurses uniform.

Now I'm not here to badmouth porn, I watch just as much porn as the next man (in the queue for the wank booth). We all have our own porn preferences, personally I can't watch porn unless at least one of the girls involved doesn't know who her father is; I have friends who like Asian only, anal only, women only, pony shows etc. But what we have to remember is that these girls have parents (though most don't know/ have issues with their fathers) and they deserve respect, and to be paid accordingly.

Also remember that they may be barely eighteen, look like a ten, do sixty nine while taking one in the ass, but the numbers don't add up.......a doctor is worth their weight in gold, a cockstar not quite as much.

Tyranny

I was branded a tyrant after I punched a woman who couldn't hit the high-note in the play I was directing (Schindler's list the musical). The world needs tyrants. The play wouldn't have been so well received if I hadn't been so determined in my pursuit of perfection ("Poorly performed and poorly acted. The play borders on the racist"- Tim Coen, The Times). I truly believe that in certain circumstances tyranny is necessary.....An eight month suspended sentence and compulsory anger management won't make that stupid bitch be a better singer (the anger management is going very well) but it did get my name in the paper (the reviewers left out my name as not to shame me, but I was heavily featured in "Director punches elderly woman off stage")

"A camel is a horse designed by committee" - The vision of one person leads to clearer results than something produced by a number of people. More people means more opinions and more compromise, everything becomes homogenised and nothing new or innovative comes out of it.....That's why I will solely write and direct my upcoming project "Speed 3: Segregate this".

Speed 3: Segregate this.

Picture this, it's 1955, a bomb is placed beneath a seat on a bus driving through Carolina. The bomb is pressure-sensitive and will go off in ninety minutes if somebody is sat on the seat. The main protagonist, Tim Steele is trying to get everybody off the bus before the bomb blows up. The bus is full of blind children on their way to the Velcro factory (a heart-wrenching plot device, but as useless as a fist-shaped dildo in this situation). Steele races against time to locate the rigged seat; unfortunately when he does, he finds Rosa Parks sitting there. Characteristically she refuses to give up her seat, putting everyone's life at risk. Steele has no time for compromise and is forced to take action, he shoots Parks in the face (possibly saying "protest this!" as he shoots her, not sure yet). Steele's tyranny saved the day, and the blind children get to experience the sensory extravaganza of the Velcro factory.

Not only will this movie help propagate the necessity for tyranny over common sense and democracy, but my actions in making this film will prove that only a true tyrant can produce work this innovative and original- I believe that fear is the greatest motivator, that's why I'll kidnap the first-born child of every cast and crew member (they will have the child returned if I win an Oscar, they will receive an additional child for each subsequent Oscar) - Very reasonable for a tyrant.

Tara: The Early Days

The story of me and Tara is a story as old as time. Boy meets girl lurking in the undergrowth, deep in the Papa New Guinea Jungle. Girl is curious about the boy as she's never seen a white man before. Boy purchases girl from her family and fed-Exs her back to Britain in an extremely cramped container (to save money).

I better elaborate slightly as this story is slightly different from all the other versions you'll have heard before. I was deep in the Papa New Guinea jungle, searching for a botanical cure to having an extra testicle. I suddenly saw something move in the distance, thinking it was a Centaur I set off in hot pursuit. I relentlessly chased the mythical creature through the thick jungle. Suddenly the creature stopped and started moving towards me, as it got nearer I began to realise that it wasn't a Centaur at all, but a woman in half a pantomime horse costume. It was Tara. I'd never seen anybody more beautiful in my life, a cross between Freida Pinto and Black Beauty - wonderful lustrous hair.

She couldn't speak a word of English, but she led me back to her village. She stayed perfectly silent, but pointed and gestured the way. I kept staring at her tail, asking if I could feed the pony. When we got to her village I had so many questions to ask - Was she going to a fancy dress? Where was the rest of her costume? If there is a party, is there anywhere I could rent an E.T costume? Luckily her brother had an electronic translator and he answered all my questions, except how he got the electronic translator.

I asked Tara's brother about her availability, whether she had somebody special. He advised me that she was available and because she was barren, she was very cheap - This made me very happy as I like to get a good deal and I wouldn't need condoms. I traded Tara for my Casio CTK530 keyboard (batteries not included) and decided to head home. Her brother played Total Eclipse of the Heart on the keyboard (poorly) as Tara was loaded onto the Fed-ex truck.

I arrived back in Britain the following morning, I only had a few hours to get the house tidy before she arrived as I'd overnighted her. I remember when the van approached, I felt so happy. I remember that my hand was shaking, I could barely hold the pen when the delivery guy asked me to sign for her. The look on her face when I opened the box. She looked so surprised (and slightly out of breath), I don't think she'd ever seen a dado rail before.

F.Y.I- her name isn't actually Tara, I gave her the name Tara because I couldn't pronounce her real name.Tara is an acronym of a couple of my Heroes, Tori Amos and Rowan Atkinson. Her real name is Equivicado, which is Spanish for "Lady who likes full colon" (that joke couldn't work on more levels if I tried).

Those early days were heaven, nothing but constant sex (till she learnt no in English). I wouldn't trade those memories for the world, though maybe for a Casio CTK496 if anybody has one (preferably pre-loaded with Little Drummer Boy).

Laughter

A doctor will tell you that laughter is a physiological response to an external stimulus that involves various parts of the brain, such as the amygdala and hippocampus. A doctor will also tell you that unprotected sex with numerous strangers is a bad idea (yeah if the definition of bad and awesome were swapped) - Doctors know nothing, they always want to treat a problem with proven science when we all know that laughter is the best medicine (sadly my gonorrhea was no laughing matter so I had to make do with penicillin).

I think of about three jokes a minute, which explains why I laugh five times while I masturbate (I won't explain why I cry afterwards). I love making people laugh, whether I'm lacing peoples drinks with Oxycontin or they're reading my satirical blogs (Today's News: Politicians are well gay and that - cutting). Laughter is unusual in that it is the greatest noise a woman can make with her clothes on, and the worst she can make if my clothes are off, F.Y.I Tara, that's the last time you'll get to see it (because I'm going to adhere to the restraining order from now on).

I like laughing at inappropriate things, things I know are wrong but still find funny. Some of my favourites are sex crimes, fluid discharges and the differences between men and women.......Did you know that, on average, women earn 15% less than men - Hilarious. It doesn't matter what we laugh at (as long as I'm not naked) just that we laugh - laughter has been known to lower blood pressure, release happy endorphins and trigger the production of an extra arm that protrudes from your chest and supports your chin when you're feeling quizzical (The Thinker).

I'll leave you with a quote from St. Agnes of Assisi "Laughter is the triumph of imagination over intelligence...........now please put your dick away, Richard, it's terrifyingly arousing."

Science

I love a lot of things in life, two of my favourites are women and science (and not alcohol, just in case my sponsor, Steve is reading). I know what you're thinking "how can you love something so accurate, logical and honest and love women?" - to me the two aren't mutually exclusive. Sure, in a world of Venn diagrams there isn't an overlap between science and women (except the bionic woman and the woman with three tits from Total Recall) but it doesn't matter. I used to like drinking and driving, but when the two overlap there are terrible consequences, now I'm not allowed to drink or drive (cheers for that Judge Klein and Steve) now I have to take the 12 steps, not just because it's court ordered but also cos my license was suspended. oh and I can't sleep at night because I still see the screaming faces...but I digress.

Science is brilliant, I will now go through some of my favourite bits of science, feel free to take notes.

Potassium Permanganate - KMnO4

Not only is it fun to say, try it with me Po-ta-ssium Per-man-ga-nate but when you dissolve it in water it turns an awesome purple colour. There you have it, fun to say and also very arousing (The colour purple arouses me).

The Brown Ring Test

Not only a good way to see if your girlfriend truly loves you (Tara doesn't) but it's also a handy test for nitrates. So if you ever want to make nitoglycerin and threaten your estranged girlfriend with a "love bomb" then it's a handy test. N.B-do the first brown ring test first though, it will save you a lot of time, heartache and lube- And if she pretends to try it and then complains that it's too painful, she doesn't truly love you - remember, a wise, handsome man once said "it's full colon or nothing".

Staphylococcus

To be honest, I can take or leave the bacteria itself (taking more than leaving if I go to the takeaway near me, it's under a bridge, what was I thinking?) I just really like saying Staphylococcus, try it with me staph-ylo-cocc-us. Brilliant.

The Human Genome Project

I know what you're thinking, Richard, don't you have a garden ornament that sells drugs and gets paid protection money from the windmill next to your pond? - Yes, but he's a G-Gnome. I always get the word genome and g-gnome confused too, its because they're homophones (not the nokia I stick up my ass and ring myself). The human genome project is the mapping of human genes. I had my genome mapped and it showed all the hereditary diseases that I had got from my parents - supposedly there's a good chance I'll get diabetes and that the recurring dream I have about the Asian sex workers is inherited from my mothers side of the family.

Playing God

I've always wanted to be god, I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be omnipotent, that's omnipotent not impotent - I already know what that's like (I inherited that from my dad). Imagine playing God: Cloning, stem cell research, putting on a white beard and trying to convince women you're the second coming (it's the only coming I get these days, thanks dad) - I don't get why people call it "playing God" god doesn't exist, he won't cure cancer, re-grow organs or impregnate a women and leave the country;Scientist should be allowed to do what they won't in the name of science. By the way ladies, I'm donating my body to science and you're science- need I say more.

So that's it, the best bits of science. If you have any queries regarding this blog, or want to track the progress of my research into half-human, half-scorpion drink dispensers (with cocktail straw) then feel free to leave me a comment and I'll try to get back to you.

Prostitution

"Every nation in every region has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the 62% of people that distrust Spanish people........now, watch me bang this whore." - George. W. Bush, September 12, 2001.

The number of prostitutes in Britain increases by 3% each year. At that rate every woman in Britain will be a prostitute by 2026 - I just hope that all my female relatives die long before that ever happens.

I want to make clear that I have never been to a prostitute and never will; I think prostitution is disgusting, degrading, dirty and pathetic. But I understand that prostitution is big business. Though it's not a taxable profession and therefore doesn't directly contribute to our economy, prostitution does provide an influx of cash to the black-market economy. If there were no prostitutes then there would be no pimps, then who would kidnap young women, traffic them to Britain and force them to have sex with 26 men per day. Who would buy all the smack off the smack dealers? Without prostitutes it would just be Scottish people, how would the poor smack dealers survive?

If you buy a kidney from a man down an alley because the N.H.S waiting list is too long, then chances are that the kidney was in a prostitute at some point (though not necessarily one of her kidneys) - Just think about that for a second......now think about what it would be like if we had a scorpion tail that dispensed chilled cheeky vimtos (with coctail straw)- pretty cool, eh?

62% of men in Britain have had at least 1 sexual encounter with a prostitute, whether these are the same people who distrust the Spanish, I cannot say. I'm not here to per/dissuade people from visiting a courtesan, I never will, but you can make up your own mind. I will leave you with a quote from the late Martin Luther King Jnr: " I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood and pay women to degrade themselves for a fee negotiated beforehand." - April 1st, 1968.

Need I say more, NEED I SAY MORE!

Letter Writing

In these modern times the ability to hand-write a letter is becoming a lost art. I want this blog to be a guide to letter writing.

The Ink

Many people don't even think of what type/colour of ink to use but it's as important as anything else. If you're writing a love letter then consider writing it in blood and sealing the envelope in another bodily fluid. If it's a love note to your reclusive/distant girlfriend (Tara) then try using something special like unicorn tears. If it's hate mail then consider using faeces (your own). If it's a ransom note then use the blood of your kidnapee (obviously).Using the right ink will really set the tone.... Get it right.

The Salutation

Tradition dictates that we should start a letter with "To" or "Dear"- firstly don't let Tradition dictate anything to you (Tradition is an alcoholic and forces his wife to go to strangers funerals with no underwear on) and secondly "To" and "Dear" aren't gonna get any ones attention. Try using "I have your son" or "I hate it when you shut your curtains at night" - anything along these lines will really grab their attention, and will get you a response (We all have lawyers Tara and 300ft is nothing for my binoculars)

The Opening

Always start the letter with "This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write"- this really grabs the readers attention (It's particularly useful if applying for a dyslexia grant). Also try to set the tone early, your second sentence should encapsulate what you're trying to get across - "You want your son back, I want to purchase a black-market liver (just in case)" "You think a restraining order will keep us apart" "Thanks for the binoculars mum"- Once you set up the letter then you can reinforce your point with further information/graphs/photos of the child with today's newspaper etc.

The Ending

Sending a letter in the post takes and lot longer than an e-mail and waiting for a reply is very frustrating, did they send a response? Did they call the police? Did they move house again (Tara!)? So you always need to give them a deadline, I prefer "You have 24 hours" - It's a reasonable amount of time, and I'm known for being reasonable (the ransom amount is non-negotiable though)

Signing Off

Depending on who you're sending the letter to, you may or may not want to give your full name, for instance, when writing to Mr & Mrs Jones I sign off with "The Snatcher in the Rye", when writing to Tara I sign of with "Your Snatch, This Guy"- It's your choice (which was the p.s in my last letter to Tara, for legal reasons I can't tell you what her choices were but one of them was a romantic evening of bear-baiting)

I hope this blog has been helpful, please feel free to practice your letter-writing in the comment section below.

Arguing

I worked as a debt collector for a number of years which means I know something about the art of arguing. I have also had my nose broken twice, which means that I don't always get people to see my side (And have slow reactions). Arguing is fun and arguing leads to fun. Every argument that I have been in has lead to either sex, money, a lawsuit or a fight - one time it was all four but it isn't as good as it sounds; I used my settlement from oxycontin to pay a hooker to hit me.

As a debt collector I learned how to win an argument. If somebody is unable to pay you, first threaten legal action. If they still can't pay then you threaten physical action. If they still refuse to pay then you threaten the eyes of their youngest/unborn children- simple.

If you want a good argument then you should argue over beliefs rather than facts; facts can be proven, but beliefs can only be destroyed (which is much more fun). The big arguments are always fun; abortion, religion, evolution, necrophilia - these are all a matter of belief, faith and opinion. F.Y.I I'm pro-choice, agnostic, I think Darwin, Attenborough and Dawkins are the closest thing to God, and only on Halloween.

Tie-breaks- If you are unable to settle an argument, because your adversary wont back down or is physically stronger than you then there are certain things you have to do to win:**

1. Question their sexuality- "Wow, I didn't know sucking cock made you a fucking idiot" - saying these as aggressively as possible will really get your point across.

2. Refuse to listen to them and keep repeating the same point over and over until they leave (winning by default is still winning)

3. Edit wikipedia to prove that you're correct, this can be done from any laptop, P.C or mobile phone.

4. Getting a friend to back you up, a good friend should do this anyway even if they know that you're wrong, shouldn't they Steve.

5. Pretend that you suddenly forgot to speak English, your opponent will just walk away, confused? Sure, but you still kinda win.

**Please note that these rules do not apply if one of the argumentiators (a cross between argument and gladiator- brilliant) is a woman, the man wins by default. If both argumentiators are women then the argument is irrelevant**

Me

Anybody who knows me will know that I don't like talking about myself.........in the first person. I don't really like talking about myself in the third person either, "Richard Howarth once went on a date to the cinema and cut a hole...." - it just doesn't sound right. Though using "He" to describe myself is kinda on the right lines (I think capitalising the H in He is what you do when referring to God, which is more the vibe I'm going for.)

As I got no responses to my personal ad in my previous blog, I'm just gonna list some characteristics, likes and dislikes that should attract some attention. Think of it as word-bait on the fish-hook of love, dangled in the lake of opportunity (First characteristic, great with analogies)

Hobbies

Drinking - I enjoy the occasional drink. I don't do anything half-hearted (except draw the half-a-heart chain my mother left me, my adopted brother has the other half; I'll find him one day). I drink to get drunk, but I don't over do it - If I'm passed out on the floor, chocking on my own vomit then I'll just stick to shots after that; I don't go crazy.

Bear-baiting- Nothing makes you feel like more of a man than going toe-to-toe with one of natures most powerful killers (who has been chained up and sedated) - It's electric.

Sport- I will compete at anything. I don't care who it's against or what sport it's at, I give 110% (I know you think it's impossible to give 110%, I bet you also think it's impossible to have three testicles, it's not). So if you wanna take me on your can, F.Y.I my specialities are bear-baiting, long distance shouting and who's got the most testicles.

Comedy- I will laugh at anything. I love to laugh. I like to laugh and to make other people laugh and smile. I will often invite friends over and spike their drink with a muscle relaxant such as oxycontin. I then dress as a pike and shout "I'm a fish out of water"- they laugh for hours. Then when they pass out or fall down the stairs, I get a good laugh.

Science- I love all science. I love the "factiness" of it all (Copyright is pending on "factiness") I love the black and white (and Asians). There are no grey areas (except the grey areas). I'm a firm believer in evolution and anybody who believes in creationism is an idiot and will go to hell.

Philanthropy- I'm a big believer in charity and I don't just mean fat chicks. I give to charity a lot. I recently donated three blind seeing-eye dogs to the local blind home to help catch out benefit cheats. The program was somewhat successful in that four people are no longer claiming benefits, you're welcome.

Having listed all my hobbies I have run out of space to discuss and other attributes, including physical attractiveness; let's just say that you won't be disappointed **

**DISCLAIMER** If you were expecting Richard to be physically attractive then you will be disappointed.

Women

Women are amazing. Women are up there with drinking and bear-baiting as the greatest things on earth. The greatest moment of my life is the night I combined all three, I can't go into details but lets just say that I had to smash the "honey pot" to get my hand out. Woman are special, from the touch of their skin, the scent of their neck and the pleading face that insecure women give when you're fucking them; They're almost flawless.

It's not all good though, they are also liars. They say that they want to sleep with you, but when you get them back to yours they change their mind when you insist on them taking a silkwood shower. Oh like I'm supposed to give you the best seventy-two seconds of your life without you being properly decontaminated, not on my watch Tara! (though I do like to watch, Tara)

I sometimes wonder what the world would be like if women could be more like the ones from my dreams, but a world filled with Asian sex-workers would be impractical, sure we'd get smaller, cheaper and more efficient sex-workers, but real prostitutes are disgusting. The Japanese should stick to making smaller, cheaper, efficient cars and leave the "Handa Jazz" to my dreams. (The "Handa Jazz" joke is funny if you say it in a stereotypically racist, generic Chinese accent)

In conclusion, I'm twenty-two, average looks and build, G.S.O.H (see above) looking for a woman who likes long walks, doesn't lie and won't tell me that my hand will definitely fit, whilst taunting a bear. Please leave your details in the comment section below.

Grammar

I'm no fan of grammar. I like to use words, words like trombone, science, staphylococcus. I don't like the way grammar tells me that I have to use these words in a particular way. If I want to capitalise the coc in staphyloCOCcus to make it even funnier then I should be able to. If I can't think of a punchline, then I should be able to trail off instead of

Look "at" this-sentence. If you weren't so distracted by the poor grammar you may have noticed that four of the seven words are communists (I'm no fan of maths either....or communists)

I hate the way that grammar makes you feel bad, but in a passive aggressive way, you wouldn't be so : ' - ( (upset) if your girlfriend wasn't such a : - 0 (Slag/dick-sucker). I'm not gonna be judged by a pixelated ; - ) (winker), I'm fucking awesome : - P

I want to live in a world free of Grammar's tyrannical rule over the written word. William Shakespeare once said "A man is defined by the lining of his suit and his accurate use of punctuation, I myself am a Satin man, my brother a cashmere weave." Now I'm a big fan of Shakespeare, despite him fucking Gwyneth Paltrow in that film, but he's ridiculous; A man is defined by a dictionary, nothing more.....and a suit should be lined with silk or cotton.

Semicolons

I hate semicolons. When to use them? where to use them? Fuck 'em. A comma or full stop is more than enough. Or don't use anything, just keep typing until your fingers cramp up or you've got nothing left to say......then type some more.

Why are they only "semi" colons, didn't have what it takes to be a proper colon? I don't watch semi-professional sport, I don't drink semi-skimmed milk, my penis is never semi erect. Go hard or go home. I have one piece of advice for all you semicolon users, it's the same thing I used to say to my ex-girlfriend "It's full colon or nothing" (I'm not sure why we broke up)