Dr. Richard Howarth Ph.d

I would like to start off by making it clear that I'm not an M.D, my doctorate is in linguistics, so if you come to me with a damaged colon then all I can offer is a replacement comma or full stop (though if you were taking the brown ring test then you do have my respect ***please read previous blogs for callbacks, try to keep up***) I speak every language on the face of the earth, so if you need a translation then don't go to the Rosetta Stone or even Rosetta Stone (software) just consult me. I will now give you the derivation of some of my favourite words from my upcoming book, just to give you a taste (Taste, from the French tastier which means "To put in mouth, not for the purpose of somebody coming and that")

Paralympics

The prefix "Para" means sideways, it derives from the Latin "Parallel" which means "A ladder without any rungs." "Olympics" is derived from the Greek "Olympus", the mountain in Greece where all the gods live and that. Put the two together and you have sideways-mountain. Now, you may wonder what this has to do with the competitors of the Paralympics? Well, the majority of mountains on earth are upright and in this day and age "disabled" is an ugly word as it implies that there is something wrong- So a person in a wheelchair, a blind person or someone with half a robot leg isn't "disabled", they're just a sideways mountain in an upright world.

Vagina

Now some of you may think that Vagina means "sheath", a covering for a sword (pork) but that's incorrect and disrespectful to vaginas. Calling them after what it covers doesn't do them justice and it's sexist as it implies it would be useless without a penis, which if you've seen my video collection isn't true and it could as easily be called "Glove", "banana peel" and "face mask". In fact the "Vag" (I'll try not to use that syllable on it's own too often, it's not the best. F.Y.I feminine hygiene products, stop using "Vag" as the first syllable in product names, it's not nice. Use Woohoosy cream instead of Vagisil) Anyway "Vag" actually means wander or vacation, the word "vagrant" derives from the same prefix. The "Ina" has been shortened over time from "Inall" to "Ina", "Inall" meaning "in all". Combine the two and you have "Vacation or wander in all", not to be taken too literally if my girlfriend is reading this, vacationing in four and a half inches is more than enough. Legend has it that us Europeans first heard "wonder is all" shouted by a squatting Thai hooker over seven hundred years ago, of course she was actually shouting "Wonder in awe" (funny if said in stereotypical Chinese accent.)

These days people don't really use the word vagina as much as they used to, they prefer their own euphisms, it's very rare these days that vagina will come out of someone's mouth- That's why I will take you through all modern euphenisms in my book "Euphemisms and their Euses" - you'll get the story behind such classics as "trumpet fondler", "doughnut bumper" and "clam-jouster."

If you would like further reading then Paralympics and Vagina are just two of the translations you can find in my upcoming book "That word doesn't really mean what you think and that, though most of the ones in this title do, except one, find out inside" (catchy and intriguing title if I do say so myself)

If you would like me to translate any other words then pop them in the comment box and I'll do that for you, they do have to have at least two syllables and please specify which word in the sentence, comments such as "fuck off", "you're a twat" and "trumpet fondler" are useless as I don't know which word to translate and I can't do them all. Tank you.