Date Help -The A-Z of Jokes

If you've ever been on a date with someone and you can't think of anything to say, or they're jabbering on and you don't have much input, then do what I do - Have a series of poor punchlines prepared and then just wait to use them at the appropriate moment. Example - Girl, "I was repeatedly abused by my last boyfriend, he really hurt me", then you come in,"Hurt you say, I once met a girl who said she wanted nine inches and for me to hurt her, so I fucked her three times and punched her in the face" - She'll love it, the girl I used that line on was crying with what I assume was laughter.

Here is an A-Z of mediocre one-liners that I've tweeted within the last month, these are merely in case you can't come up with your own. Good luck.

A - Ancestors - I cry myself to sleep almost every night thinking about all my ancestors that never had iPlayer.

B - Blasian - When I'm older I'm going to adopt a Blasian baby, it can help me gamble on basketball games.

C - Chlamydia - Drinking red wine can reduce your chances of getting chlamydia by up to 90% - Those statistics are dramatically reduced if I buy you the wine.

D - Democracy - I think the reason they don't have democracy in China is because they're scared that the same man will vote 600 million times (not racist).

E - Ethnic - Dragon's Den recently rejected my idea for exfoliants for different coloured skins - I'm resigned to the fact that ethnic cleansing is destined to fail.

F - Feelings - There are still very strong feelings between me and my ex. I feel that she's amazing, that I'm still in love with her and that we should be together.....she feels the exact opposite.

G - Girlfriend - My ex used to say that I was having sex in her rather than with her....that it was over so quick she didn't feel she participated.

H - Homophones - I often struggles with homophones such as they're, their and there...but especially that Motorola timeport my girlfriend shoves up my ass.

I - Intelligence - With looks like these it's a good job I was given brians.....

J - Jesus - Jesus had to delay the rapture cos God said he wasn't allowed friends over til he tidied his room , Jesus responded, "Oh my God, you ruin EVERYTHING"

K - Killer - When I worked as a debt collector my nickname was Killer - I didn't tell my new co-workers about the hit and run.

L - Lilliputians - Appreciate the little people in life.......they often get overlooked.

M - Masturbation - Masturbation is the Coca-Cola of sex acts - Everybody likes it but after five or six in one day you feel a little gross

N - New - Tomorrow I'm unveiling the new me, it's very much the same as the old me except I got a spray tan.

O - Oral - I bought a book online about how to orally pleasure women. When it arrived I decied to finger through it in my own time, evidently, one of the things I'd been doing wrong.

P -Pyramid - If you stacked everybody in China into a pyramid it would reach a point.......where they all got angry and asked to go home

Q - eQuestrian - I recently got a pet to fill the emotional void left by my ex, sadly the horse is harder work than she was and even more difficult to get into bed.

R - Rollerblades - I like how trends are cyclical. I'm holding on to my Rollerblades in case disappointing your father ever comes back into fashion.

S - Sex - I asked my girlfriend if she was satisfied with the sex we have, she said "Not with the sex WE have"

T -Tape - I'm releasing my own range of sex tapes, including the extended version (after my operation) and the uncut version (before my circumcision)

U -Unity - Me and my girlfriend go together so well....strawberries and cream, cocaine and hookers, Amaretto and eating pussy....but we do other stuff together too.

V - Viagra - If crushing up viagra and slipping it in your mates drink at his grandma's funeral is wrong......I don't want to be right.

W - Weight - I'm a firm believer in reverse psychology. For the last few months, when I get up I look myself in the mirror and tell myself how worthless I am - I'm no happier but I am much thinner.

X - Xenophobia - Within 20 years the Chinese will almost certainly be our overlords......I don't mind, we'll still have bigger penises.

Y - Youtube -  I keep seeing the look of terror on my grandma's face as she slipped and fell down those stairs.....Youtube is great for stuff like that.

Z - Zimmerman (Dr) - My psychiatrist called me hyperbolic, melodramatic and evasive - I told him I never, ever wanted to see him again. EVER! I then stormed out.

Remember, Marilyn Monroe once said, If you can make a girl laugh then you can make her do anything" - You'd think after you made her laugh that she'd want to do it.

Peace and fucking.

Wanting

"You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need"

Life is all about overcoming obstacles (he used to be a 110m hurdler). Nothing ever worthwhile is given to you, if it is you soon realise that you didn't really want it. I guess I've been quite lucky in that I've been blessed with an apathetic nature. I have very little ambition to earn money and buy houses and cars. There are very few things in life I've ever really wanted, the things I want usually have pubic hair (four of them did, one didn't and the other was Shania Twain's bathmat). If you really want something then there are only two outcomes, you either get it or you don't (or you get it then get stopped by hotel security with a rolled up bathmat down your trouser leg). It's an all or nothing game.

When you can't get something it upsets you, you start to question the reasons why. Whether it is a person, a thing, or a goal, you start to look at yourself and wonder why you fell short. Again, with me it's usually women. After a lot of introvert inspection I usually come to the conclusion that I'm too awesome for them, hit the gym an little harder and wait for the next one (each of his abs are named after one of them). There's no point wanting something you can't have.

Sometimes you do get what you want, like Stacy DiMarco. She was one of those women. In fact they all are, but she was one of those women. You know, every time you see her it's like a bolt of lightening came from the heavens and used your cock as a lightening rod (use rubber for protection). Her smile could light up a whole room and she had these deep brown eyes that, honestly, would make you believe in God......oh, and an ass like a seven year old boy (like two cricket balls in a handkerchief). She was perfect. What was my point again?.......no, it's gone. Shit. Oh well, if you're reading this Stacy, call me (07967967483).

The other night I actually did something I've wanted to do for eight years (had sex again) - I did stand up. I'd been putting it off for some time, partly because I was scared but mainly because I didn't have strong enough material. If I can compare stand up to women for a second....I didn't just want to do it. It wasn't just about getting up there, lasting five minutes and getting off. I wanted it to be brilliant. I wanted my rhythm and delivery to be perfect. Three years ago I would have got up and quickly run through the same old moves:

- The shortest distance between two points is a nipple chain

- I'm not racist, I split everybody into two categories - People I would fuck and people I wouldn't....though the latter are predominantly Japanese.

- If you arranged everybody in China into a pyramid it would reach a point.......where they all got angry and asked to go home.

- Dragons Den rejected my idea for exfoliants for different coloured skins - I'm resigned to the fact that Ethnic Cleansing is destined to fail.

They are all adequate jokes that would have done the job, but I didn't want to just do the job. I wanted everything to work together. From start to finish, everything just flows effortlessly together...a perfect understanding between you and them........until her toes are curling up and you can feel her contracting around you.....You take a bow and exit the stage. That metaphor got away from me a bit there....in my mind I was doing stand up to Stacy DiMarco and fucking 35 audience members.....either way I end up feeling like a god. Honestly, the feeling I got from hearing people laugh at my jokes was epic - The last time I felt like that I had my hands around a woman's neck listening to her final words bounce of the walls.

My point is, you don't always know what's right for you and when it's right for you. I have a drive and ambition that I haven't had since it was taken from me a long time ago. There's usually an emptiness in me that I've been filling with alcohol for as long as I can remember. Now all I want to do is fill  it with the laughter and adulation of strangers (that's healthy). I might not always get what I want, but I now have everything I need (gay much?).

 Peace and fucking. Believe.