Wanting

"You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need"

Life is all about overcoming obstacles (he used to be a 110m hurdler). Nothing ever worthwhile is given to you, if it is you soon realise that you didn't really want it. I guess I've been quite lucky in that I've been blessed with an apathetic nature. I have very little ambition to earn money and buy houses and cars. There are very few things in life I've ever really wanted, the things I want usually have pubic hair (four of them did, one didn't and the other was Shania Twain's bathmat). If you really want something then there are only two outcomes, you either get it or you don't (or you get it then get stopped by hotel security with a rolled up bathmat down your trouser leg). It's an all or nothing game.

When you can't get something it upsets you, you start to question the reasons why. Whether it is a person, a thing, or a goal, you start to look at yourself and wonder why you fell short. Again, with me it's usually women. After a lot of introvert inspection I usually come to the conclusion that I'm too awesome for them, hit the gym an little harder and wait for the next one (each of his abs are named after one of them). There's no point wanting something you can't have.

Sometimes you do get what you want, like Stacy DiMarco. She was one of those women. In fact they all are, but she was one of those women. You know, every time you see her it's like a bolt of lightening came from the heavens and used your cock as a lightening rod (use rubber for protection). Her smile could light up a whole room and she had these deep brown eyes that, honestly, would make you believe in God......oh, and an ass like a seven year old boy (like two cricket balls in a handkerchief). She was perfect. What was my point again?.......no, it's gone. Shit. Oh well, if you're reading this Stacy, call me (07967967483).

The other night I actually did something I've wanted to do for eight years (had sex again) - I did stand up. I'd been putting it off for some time, partly because I was scared but mainly because I didn't have strong enough material. If I can compare stand up to women for a second....I didn't just want to do it. It wasn't just about getting up there, lasting five minutes and getting off. I wanted it to be brilliant. I wanted my rhythm and delivery to be perfect. Three years ago I would have got up and quickly run through the same old moves:

- The shortest distance between two points is a nipple chain

- I'm not racist, I split everybody into two categories - People I would fuck and people I wouldn't....though the latter are predominantly Japanese.

- If you arranged everybody in China into a pyramid it would reach a point.......where they all got angry and asked to go home.

- Dragons Den rejected my idea for exfoliants for different coloured skins - I'm resigned to the fact that Ethnic Cleansing is destined to fail.

They are all adequate jokes that would have done the job, but I didn't want to just do the job. I wanted everything to work together. From start to finish, everything just flows effortlessly together...a perfect understanding between you and them........until her toes are curling up and you can feel her contracting around you.....You take a bow and exit the stage. That metaphor got away from me a bit there....in my mind I was doing stand up to Stacy DiMarco and fucking 35 audience members.....either way I end up feeling like a god. Honestly, the feeling I got from hearing people laugh at my jokes was epic - The last time I felt like that I had my hands around a woman's neck listening to her final words bounce of the walls.

My point is, you don't always know what's right for you and when it's right for you. I have a drive and ambition that I haven't had since it was taken from me a long time ago. There's usually an emptiness in me that I've been filling with alcohol for as long as I can remember. Now all I want to do is fill  it with the laughter and adulation of strangers (that's healthy). I might not always get what I want, but I now have everything I need (gay much?).

 Peace and fucking. Believe.