Date Help -The A-Z of Jokes

If you've ever been on a date with someone and you can't think of anything to say, or they're jabbering on and you don't have much input, then do what I do - Have a series of poor punchlines prepared and then just wait to use them at the appropriate moment. Example - Girl, "I was repeatedly abused by my last boyfriend, he really hurt me", then you come in,"Hurt you say, I once met a girl who said she wanted nine inches and for me to hurt her, so I fucked her three times and punched her in the face" - She'll love it, the girl I used that line on was crying with what I assume was laughter.

Here is an A-Z of mediocre one-liners that I've tweeted within the last month, these are merely in case you can't come up with your own. Good luck.

A - Ancestors - I cry myself to sleep almost every night thinking about all my ancestors that never had iPlayer.

B - Blasian - When I'm older I'm going to adopt a Blasian baby, it can help me gamble on basketball games.

C - Chlamydia - Drinking red wine can reduce your chances of getting chlamydia by up to 90% - Those statistics are dramatically reduced if I buy you the wine.

D - Democracy - I think the reason they don't have democracy in China is because they're scared that the same man will vote 600 million times (not racist).

E - Ethnic - Dragon's Den recently rejected my idea for exfoliants for different coloured skins - I'm resigned to the fact that ethnic cleansing is destined to fail.

F - Feelings - There are still very strong feelings between me and my ex. I feel that she's amazing, that I'm still in love with her and that we should be together.....she feels the exact opposite.

G - Girlfriend - My ex used to say that I was having sex in her rather than with her....that it was over so quick she didn't feel she participated.

H - Homophones - I often struggles with homophones such as they're, their and there...but especially that Motorola timeport my girlfriend shoves up my ass.

I - Intelligence - With looks like these it's a good job I was given brians.....

J - Jesus - Jesus had to delay the rapture cos God said he wasn't allowed friends over til he tidied his room , Jesus responded, "Oh my God, you ruin EVERYTHING"

K - Killer - When I worked as a debt collector my nickname was Killer - I didn't tell my new co-workers about the hit and run.

L - Lilliputians - Appreciate the little people in life.......they often get overlooked.

M - Masturbation - Masturbation is the Coca-Cola of sex acts - Everybody likes it but after five or six in one day you feel a little gross

N - New - Tomorrow I'm unveiling the new me, it's very much the same as the old me except I got a spray tan.

O - Oral - I bought a book online about how to orally pleasure women. When it arrived I decied to finger through it in my own time, evidently, one of the things I'd been doing wrong.

P -Pyramid - If you stacked everybody in China into a pyramid it would reach a point.......where they all got angry and asked to go home

Q - eQuestrian - I recently got a pet to fill the emotional void left by my ex, sadly the horse is harder work than she was and even more difficult to get into bed.

R - Rollerblades - I like how trends are cyclical. I'm holding on to my Rollerblades in case disappointing your father ever comes back into fashion.

S - Sex - I asked my girlfriend if she was satisfied with the sex we have, she said "Not with the sex WE have"

T -Tape - I'm releasing my own range of sex tapes, including the extended version (after my operation) and the uncut version (before my circumcision)

U -Unity - Me and my girlfriend go together so well....strawberries and cream, cocaine and hookers, Amaretto and eating pussy....but we do other stuff together too.

V - Viagra - If crushing up viagra and slipping it in your mates drink at his grandma's funeral is wrong......I don't want to be right.

W - Weight - I'm a firm believer in reverse psychology. For the last few months, when I get up I look myself in the mirror and tell myself how worthless I am - I'm no happier but I am much thinner.

X - Xenophobia - Within 20 years the Chinese will almost certainly be our overlords......I don't mind, we'll still have bigger penises.

Y - Youtube -  I keep seeing the look of terror on my grandma's face as she slipped and fell down those stairs.....Youtube is great for stuff like that.

Z - Zimmerman (Dr) - My psychiatrist called me hyperbolic, melodramatic and evasive - I told him I never, ever wanted to see him again. EVER! I then stormed out.

Remember, Marilyn Monroe once said, If you can make a girl laugh then you can make her do anything" - You'd think after you made her laugh that she'd want to do it.

Peace and fucking.