Office Politics

From: wendy.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Sent:  27/07/11

To:  richard.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Subject: Lewd Photographs


Richard,


It has been brought to my attention that various photographs of, what appears to be, your anatomy have been e-mailed to a number of the female members of staff. Obviously this is a very serious problem. I am willing to give you a chance to explain yourself before I take any disciplinary action.


Wendy






From: richard.recruitment@fruzzi.com
Sent: 27/07/11
To: wendy.recruitment@fruzzi.com
Subject: RE: Lewd Photographs


Listen Wends, I'm not gonna deny that I sent those pictures. I don't see the problem with sending photos of my dick to my colleagues, it's not as though I sent them out to our clients......the one time I did I got a very threatening e-mail back and I won't be doing that again. Don't worry.

If you're annoyed that my photos clogged up the inbox and slowed down the server then I could understand. I'm known for having a massive jpeg, and I've been filling mailboxes for years......I'm talking about my dick, yeah?

Anyway, you're the one telling us to be more proactive, having team meetings every fucking day on how we need to try harder to get the clients to show interest and to fill positions. I had a position to fill, preferably doggy. I'm sending photos out there to drum up some interest,  help get me a job (blow). I have a good-looking dick, I'm just trying to get it out there to get women interested in me. Don't worry, it was tastefully done....no bush.

Also, is there any chance that this is cos you're gutted that you didn't get one, don't be like that, five years ago I would've definitely given you one, okay?

Richard




From: wendy.recruitment@fruzzi.com
Sent:  27/07/11
To:  richard.recruitment@fruzzi.com
Subject: RE: RE: Lewd Photographs

Richard,

First of all, don't call me Wends you jumped up little shit. You and the rest of your moronic fraternity strut around this office like you can't be touched. I'm taking this upstairs to Mark and not even your smarmy charms will help you get out off this one.

I want to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning for your disciplinary hearing.

Wendy

From: richard.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Sent: 27/07/11

To: wendy.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Lewd Photographs

Attachment: Boom.jpeg

Wends,

I like your feisty attitude, you've just talked yourself into a dick pic - Check your attachments, Jazz Tits.

See you tomorrow.

From: wendy.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Sent:  27/07/11

To:  richard.recruitment@fruzzi.com; mark.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lewd Photographs

Richard,

I have forwarded your previous e-mails on to Mark and have CC'd him in this conversation so that he can be made aware of your attitude.

I have arranged for a HR representative to accompany us in the meeting tomorrow, they will be there to mediate and take notes so that Mark can make a decision on your future. This is a formal meeting so you will be required to adhere to the dress code for once.

The meeting will begin at 9:15 a.m

Wendy.

From: richard.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Sent:  27/07/11

To:   mark.recruitment@fruzzi.com;  wendy.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lewd Photographs

Mark,

Do I really have to do this disciplinary thing tomorrow, it was just a bit of a laugh. Me and Dave were mucking about and we thought it'd be funny. You thought it was funny, didn't you?

Anyway, I'm not being awkward or anything, I will go to the meeting if I have to but Wendy is just being ridiculous. She's always on my back about stuff like this. Every morning she gets on to me about the dress code, saying "If it's not white, it's not right" - Does she know that saying is generally used by racists......and the shirt was white enough.

Anyway, if you could have a word or something mate.

Cheers

Richard

From: wendy.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Sent:  27/07/11

To:   mark.recruitment@lfruzzi.com;  richard.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Subject:RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lewd Photographs

Richard,

I'm not sure whether you included me in that e-mail on purpose or not, to do either you would have to be incompetent or arrogant, but with you we get an equal mix of both.

To imply that I'm using racist chants to warn you about your dress code is just a way for you to deflect the fact that you never wear the correct attire. This week alone we've had T-shirts with the slogans, "Does this T-shirt make my penis look big", "Save a tree. Eat a beaver", "Last night millions of my potential children died on your daughter's face", and my favourite, "Cunt".

Your behaviour is disgraceful. Just because you are friends with Mark doesn't mean you should be allowed to act the way you do. You may be very good at bringing in the clients but I am a manager and have been with this company thirteen years.  You have made my position  untenable. I will see Mark today and tell him that it's me or you, one of us has to go, and I'm pretty sure I know the outcome.

Wendy

From: richard.recruitment@fruzzi.com

Sent:  27/07/11

To:   mark.recruitment@fruzzi.com;  

Subject: Bye Biatch

Attachment: Boom.jpeg(2)

Wendy,

First off, I'd just like to say how sorry I am to hear that you're leaving. We're really going to miss everything you bought to the office...............................no, I got nothing, did you bring that plant in? No, ahh whatever.

In my defence the T-Shit that says, "Last night millions of my potential children died on your daughter's face" does have a lot of white on it.

Anyway, I'm gonna miss you around here. Though I am very pleased with my nice new office.

If you need any reference or help finding a job then I've attached something to help, it's a photo of my ass. Kiss it.

Richard

Honesty

I've always described myself as a "natural storyteller", regaling audiences with tales of heroic gentlemen and fair maidens. Tales of  romance and adventure, life and love, miscreants and marauders.......oh and that one time my mate fisted a girl and she licked his hand afterwards (true). I will often take things that happened to a friend of a friend and say that they happened to my friend. I will take things that happened to a friend and say they happened to me - It's just re-working the truth, re-attributing facts to tell a better story- I weave the truth around my finger and contrive a tapestry of awe and splendor........other times I just lie.

The amount of elaboration is often directly proportional to the amount of alcohol I've consumed. If I was drunk and you were to ask me about how many women I've slept with, or that time I got in a knife-fight with that 7ft hobo, then the stories could really get out of hand, but when I'm sober you're more than likely to get the truth.

I've always had somewhat of a moral flexibility, but I really don't see the difference between getting on stage and saying, "I asked my girlfriend if she enjoyed having sex with me. She said that she took objection to the word "with", it's over so quick she didn't feel she participated", or me telling a random girl that my girlfriend recently died in a house fire so that she might have sex with me (really slow, awkwardly passionate, sympathy sex. You know, really grind it out) - They are both lies, is one worse than the other? (Someone cries in the shower after both).

There are, of course, different levels of lies. There is the white lie which is okay, and the black lie which is bad, this seems like an extremely racist way to label them. I prefer to call them the Wesley Snipes lie and the Woody Harrelson lie. There are two reasons behind these names. Number two, Wesley Snipes often kills people in movies, and Woody Harrelson often plays gullible idiots......and my main reason, White Men Can't Jump, 'nuff said.

Woody Harrelson's are a big part of a harmonious society, we hear them everyday, "No, your bum doesn't look big", "Yeah, it was really good. I came twice", "We don't need one, I've had a vasectomy". If we told the absolute truth all the time then things would be chaos. Example, I know that I'm a prick. I act like a prick, dress like a prick and say prickish things, but if I were to ask my mates if they thought I was a prick then they'd say......yes, they'd say yes. Bad example. But you get the point, we need those little lies to help keep everything on an even keel - We can't be going around telling women they have big, fat asses, or that someone's shit in bed....or that we just don't like wearing condoms. It'd be mental, not everyone is as awesomely impervious to insults as me (What a prick).

Lying in relationships is complicated. As trust is such a fundamental building block of a relationship, lies can really cause damage. There are lies that are okay to tell to your partner, "Yeah, you were amazing", "I came like three times", "Nah, it just slipped in, but we might as well try it now". But a Wesley Snipes lie is different. That is when you intentionally hurt someone by keeping the truth from them or masking the truth to protect yourself at the expense of others. A very common example of this is cheating. I can't stand people who cheat - There's nobody forcing you to stay with the person you're with, so if you wanna fuck someone else then break up with your current partner first. Don't be a coward.

So remember, whites are good, blacks are bad, and I totally beat that guy in that knife-fight. He came at me with his knife, I just put mine to the ground and suggested we fight like men. He refused and tried to stab me, quick as a flash I dodged the knife and took him down with a karate chop to the chest. When the police arrived they said that my hands should be categorised as deadly weapons, but I told them that Cool Breeze and Vanilla Heat were for loving not fighting. So the moral of the story is: I totally know karate and that did all happen.

Remember, winners don't lie, they don't inject heroin between their toes to hide the track marks, and they do know karate.

The Bible: A New Hope

In a Galilee far, far away.....

I love the bible, great book, great films. I personally think that the second one, The Bible: Return of the Jesus is even better than the first, The Bible: A New Hope. It's just a rip-roaring read from start to finish, a real page turner (I didn't read it). For those who haven't read the book or seen the film then I'll give you a quick synopsis -


So there's this really powerful guy, in the book he's called God but in the film it's Darth Vader (I think he re-branded after the old testament). He meets this bird, a princess. They fall in love and decide to consummate their love. She was bang up for it, he was like, "Shouldn't we use protection?", she tries to reassure him, "I have two sentry guards just outside the entrance". "Shit, where?!", he exclaimed. "No, the entrance to the room. Anyway, it's my first time and you can't get pregnant first time." He still seemed tentative so she continued, "If you're really worried then you can just pour Coca-Cola in there afterwards, okay?" - It was like a fairytale.


What he didn't know is that she'd been putting it about all over the galaxy, because of the trade embargo with Namboo she'd been trading sex for help getting supplies (ironically for birth control). Anyway, she gets pregnant but doesn't tell him. She has twins, separates them and doesn't tell them or the father - She's secretive, a proper sneaky one. The kids grow up separately, one as a princess (the girl), the other as a dirt plougher (farmer, he's not gay). He then joins this gang called the Jews. He learns the skills required to fight against the Catholics, lead by Darth Vader. 


After his training Jesus and his crew were betrayed by one of their own, Judas. Because of Judas, Jesus' best mate, Han Solo was frozen in liquid carbonite (Jesus was gutted). Jesus and Vader then battle it out for control of the galaxy. It was classic stuff, good versus evil, black versus white, good old fashioned Jew on Christian fighting. The battle was fiercely fought, but because Vader had previously been a Jew he had knowledge of all Jesus' powers, plus he had a few sneaky Christian tricks up his sleeve too.The fight had spilled out onto a ledge on the outside of the spaceship. Vader got the upper hand, but rather than kill Jesus he decided to offer him the chance to join him, "But you killed my father", "No Jesus, I am your father" - Bombshell, classic third act twist, these bible writers really knew what they were doing.

Vader was fuming that Jesus turned him down, so he sliced off Jesus' hand with his Christian lightsabre (a sword with a blade of light, powered by guilt), "Lord, why have you forsaken me?" Jesus exclaimed. Jesus then jumped off off the ledge to his apparent death.........but he returned 3 days later with a Jewish robot arm (the batteries were only expected to last one night, but they lasted eight days).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Darth Vader converts to Christianity and helps Jesus defeat the evil overlord, let's call him Zeus. Vader dies and they take his helmet off and find out that he looks like a pickled ballbag. Jesus nearly bangs his own sister, but doesn't. They defrost Han Solo who slips Jesus' sister a cheeky  one, and Judas hangs himself.

I think if you read the book (The Bible), something bad happens to Jesus but luckily Hollywood glossed over all of that and gave us the happy ending we all wanted.

The End.

First Impressions

First impressions are always important, no more so than for a job interview or first date. Remember, a date is a job interview for the missionary position. I'm great at first impressions, especially with women. I have a certain nihilistic quality that women seem to appreciate and latch on to. Sadly this blog is only about good first impressions, because that's all I'm good at, beyond any initial interaction/attraction I usually fuck things up very quickly. If you have a first date or job interview coming up then read my advice, it could mean the difference between you getting the job of your dreams or trying to blow yourself again.

Appearance


For both a date and a job interview you're going to want to look your best. People these days, not me, tend to judge people on their external appearance....I was just telling my friend with the bad teeth that the other day. For both a job interview and a date you can never go wrong dressing a little understated. If you get a second date or follow-up interview then you can try to express yourself a little more. However, if you're tempted to get that Ed Hardy T-Shirt out of the wardrobe then you should refrain, in fact, take that and any clothes like it and set them on fire, then have a priest come over and perform an exorcism on your sense of taste.

Manner


I have a very simple routine before any date, job interview or exam - First off  I masturbate in the shower. Chances are I would probably do this anyway, but I always do it before an important event. The release of all those happy endorphins centres the mind and stops me thinking about sex just long enough to get through the date/interview/exam. The second thing I do is listen to Smack My Bitch Up by The Prodigy - This is my get-psyched song, it changes me from the normal, placid guy I am (Fuck off, I am placid) into a frenzied killer (Not literally if the girl I have a date with is reading). Ready for action.

Hair and Nails


Personally, I like my hair like my women, high and tight. A man's hair should always be short. This aint Woodstock fellas, keep the hair simple. You don't wanna go into a job interview looking like you just got extensions and a rough bumming from Vidal Sassoon, and a woman doesn't want to date a guy who's hair looks like it takes longer to primp and preen than hers. I generally like my hair shaved or in the old Hitler style - I find that many of the modern day dictators are very good hair role models. I know that you can condemn them for other aspects of their character, but they do seem to have neat hair.....except that Gadaffi, he always was a bit renegade.

Men's nails should always be short and clean. One reason is that articulate people have a tendency to gesticulate, this draws attention to your hands. Who knows when you're gonna wanna bust out the robot on a date, or show her some sweet karate poses. You don't wanna be throwing her some sweet 80s dance moves and all she can see is your dirty finger nails. Also, if the date goes well then you might be using your fingers later. Your nails should be short and neatly trimmed, not bitten - If you like the woman and want another date then you want the woman to have good time, this means using your fingers (and tongue), and take your time and do it properly. Remember, if a woman sees you have long, dirty nails then all she's gonna imagine is that you're gonna be like a bear pawing at her as if she's a bee hive and you're trying to get the honey out, she doesn't want that.....and any employer will just think you're dirty and unkempt. N.B your nails are like your arm-face, you wouldn't go out with a dirty face, would you?

Scent


This is very much like the clothing, it should be understated. You don't want to go on a date or into an interview room smelling like a whore's handbag. If mosquitoes are flying into your airspace and dropping out of the sky then it's too much. I like to put just a bit of aftershave on my neck, that way if she comes in close for a kiss then she gets a nice smell of some subtle aftershave........also, just above my penis in case she sucks my dick. Nice and subtle.

That covers the basics, sadly the rapport and conversation is down to you. Evidently, you can't teach wit and charm, that's just a God-given gift (I had to refund everybody that paid for my Wit & Charm school).

Here are a few tips to help you -

• Do keep your answers short and sweet - Don't waffle on to the interviewer and don't talk about yourself too much, and on a date, just keeping asking about her.
• Do not use words such as, fuck-pig, thunder-cunt, or Water-Chinese (Filipinos) 
• Do not ask her to pass the pepper but accidentally say, "Could I have your underwear?"
• Do imagine your interviewer naked
• Don't imagine your date naked, or what her nipples or pubic hair will look like....you'll get distracted, spill a drink on her and she'll walk out leaving you to eat the starter platter for two by yourself, whilst the rest of the restaurant laughs at you.
• Do gentlemanly things- open doors, pull out chairs, try to finger her at a bus stop etc. Be classy
• Don't tell your interviewer that you're probably better than him and that you'll have his job within months.
• Do wear clean underwear
• Do not prove to anyone that you're wearing clean underwear.
• Always leave them wanting more

Sexual Harassment

Sexual harassment is one in a long list of things that used to be okay but now is unacceptable (see: dog fighting, slavery and necrophilia). I understand the reasons why many of these had to be stopped, but sexual harassment is the lesser of these evils. Is it really that bad that I tell one of my colleagues that she has a great ass? It's only that she's married with two kids......and has twins on the way that she finds it so offensive. I'm pretty sure that if she was single and found me attractive then my comments about wanting to smell her underwear after a heavy gym session would be welcomed (I'm not so sure) - Quiet you!


It's at times like these that I can't help but think of the words of  Martin Niemõller- 


"First they came for the dog fighters,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a dog fighter.
Then they came for the slave traders,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a slave trader,
Then they came for necrophiliacs,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a necrophiliac.
Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak out for me"


I will not let this happen. Though I'm not an ardent perpetrator of verbal or physical sexual harassment, I have a soft spot for it.  If I don't say anything now then one day they'll come after men who like to get a hand or mouth finish whenever they get a massage, and who will speak out for me then (certainly not the masseuse, she'll have her hands full).


Women are fragile little creatures, they like to be complimented and cared for. I've never given a woman a compliment I didn't mean (actually true), but if I do give her a compliment, perhaps by saying "I want to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown you are", I should be allowed to - I always tell the truth, what does it matter  that we work together......as long as the children still get their medication I don't see the problem.


If one of my colleagues (preferably Tanya) wanted to compliment me on my tremendous ass or how my trousers effectively show the outline of my whole penis, I'd be delighted. But all Tanya ever does is talk about spreadsheets and synergy. I know that she's thinking it and that she's just dying to saying it. I can see in her eyes that it's taking every fibre of her being to stop from complimenting my gorgeous balls (she loved that e-mail), but when I tell her that I want to chain her to my bed and fuck her til I can't walk properly, I get fired. Supposedly the old defense of "It was pre-emptive, she was definitely gonna say the same to me"  doesn't work.....plus she had some e-mails that I sent. She stitched me right up. Minx.


Don't let this happen to you. I mean, obviously you need to carry on harassing the women you work with but don't get caught. Remember, if you don't compliment a woman on her legs, tits or ass then you are a sexist. We need to celebrate women. We need to glorify women. We need to objectify women. Now go out and do what has to be done.

Why Men Do Anything - Civilisation's Milestones

Whether directly or indirectly, consciously or subconsciously, men do everything for one thing - Women.


A lot of the milestones of civilisation were not born out of necessity, chance or evolution, but purely by man's desire to see, touch and fuck women throughout the ages. I will take you through some of those milestones, and help shed new light on the subject.


Fire - Shedding light on to the subject was the reason men invented fire, the subject being hairy cavewoman titties. Many "qualified" anthropologists will say that cavemen invented fire to keep themselves warm, cook food and ward off predators, that's not true- I've seen the first 23 minutes of The Planet off the Apes, I know how shit went down.
Cavemen invented fire mainly because those caves are dark and they were sick of not being able to see what they were doing. Mrs.Caveman loved it cos it meant that he couldn't see her chunky thighs, sagging belly, her hairy back or her brow-ridge, but Mr Caveman doesn't care about any of that (he really doesn't), he invented fire so he could see the whole dog and pony show (incidentally, it was at the first ever dog and pony show that Mr and Mrs Caveman met).
Now that he could see Mrs. Caveman in all her glory, he could then use the fire to illuminate his cave and paint the walls with her splendour.....incidentally, this is how pornography was invented. Sadly, illuminating Mrs.Caveman and painting her on the walls for the whole world to see made her self-conscious. She felt pressure to attain the stick-figure body that was being plastered on the walls by his minimalistic cave-paintings. She took extreme measures to attain the perfect body- Pilates to help her stand upright, relentless waxing of her legs, arms, back, face, chest and of course, vagina. It was this strive for perfection that transformed man from homo habilis to homo erectus (sorry, had to).


Opposable Thumbs - Even before men invented fire, they purposefully, with great thought grew an opposable thumb, this was purely for shocker purposes. Now I know what you thinking "the shocker only uses fingers, two in the pink, one in the stink...maybe two, there's no thumb involved" - But cavemen were the first perpetrators of the advanced shocker, two in pink, one or two in the stink, and the thumb to work the clit. A caveman would never neglect the clit- Textbook.
Men were also very grateful when women grew an opposable thumb as it meant that they could give Western grip style handjobs - The biggest breakthrough in handjobs ever......until lube.


Bridges - Sure the "Fact-Police" will tell you that men invented bridges to get across water or a large canyon. Not true. Men were very happy with their location and didn't require any water or canyon crossing. It was more an issue with the women in the area. Don't get me wrong, they were very happy with the women they had. They liked what was here - In clubs today you'll often hear modern men say "have you seen the women in here", "I can't wait til the hotties get here", I'd fuck every person in here". But there's the hunter-gatherer nature in men that makes us look for women there - "Look at her over there", "I'd like to put my penis in there", "You reckon there are sluts in there" - As satisfied as men were with they women they had, they couldn't help but see what other women they could have. The only thing men prefer to women is more women - Boom! It's a bridge, bitch.


Moon - The great space-race. America's competition with the Soviets for dominance of space, and bragging rights over their superior technology- Rubbish. They were trying to get there to see what women were there, to allay the rumours that there might be some sneaky little moon-pussy up there- Sadly, there wasn't.
For the astronauts themselves it added a whole new dimension to their game. Rather than tell women that they were merely war-hero fighter pilots, they could now tell women that they were spacemen. Neil Armstrong was famous for going around America chatting up women with "When you've got 12 million pounds of thrust at your disposal you've got to know how to handle it", "Do you want to be the first woman on the first man on the moon", and of course "I've been to the moon, wanna fuck?" - A true American hero, an inspiration to us all.


I had a lot more to write, pretty much everything else invented in human history, but I have to go to the gym (to get ripped and fuck women), then I'm cooking dinner (learnt to cook to fuck women), then I'm off to night school, taking a course in eating pussy (my work paid for that. Odd). Oh and then I'm volunteering with mentally challenged children (after brushing my teeth) - Need I say more? NEED I SAY MORE?!!

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Had to go to the doctors on Friday to sort out that rash on my peepee. The doctor said that I probably got it from sleeping with a "friendly girl" and that I should contact anyone I've slept with in the last three months. I called her up and told her that she'd given me an STD. She told me to stop crying and then asked which one I was, "I thought I was special!" I said, "Seriously, who is this?" she replied. I put down the phone and went back to crying into my chardonnay. Luckily it's just a short course of antibiotics and it should be gone. The doctor asked if I shaved as a precaution, I said yes because I didn't want to tell her about the thrill I get from a freshly shorn scrotum, even though she looked like the kind of woman that would understand.

Keep going in the coffee shop to see that girl. The first time I went in I made a tit of myself, women don't want a man that orders a skinny laté and a skinny blueberry muffin.  So I've been in a few times since and butched up my order a bit (mocha frappuccino, squirt of cream and dash of vanilla, and a cream horn). The other day we had a little joke: I was kinda staring at her and daydreaming, I picked up my frappuccino and walked off. I then had to re-queue and ask if she'd seen my cream horn, "Is that it in your pants?" she enquired, "Haha, no that's just my erection, these pants do little to contain my thunder" I said, turns out I'd unknowingly put the cake in my pocket. She just laughed it off and very effectively hid her revulsion. A sweetheart.

Went on another date with Sarah. I've been a little reluctant to push things forward, partly because I like the girl in the coffee shop, but also because of my sexually transmitted disease. We've been going on a few nice dates recently and although I'm no expert in reading signals, I think she wants more. The other night she pinned me up against a wall and said "Why won't you kiss me? Are you bent or what?", I took that as a sign that she wanted me to kiss her, so as a man I kissed her once and then waited for her to tell me to kiss her again. The date continued and I did all the things that I thought women liked, I took her for champagne and a nice dinner, I complimented her on what she was wearing and I walked her home and kissed her goodnight. I thought it was the perfect date. Next thing I know she's dragging me into her flat and trying to rip my pants off, I had to tell her to stop. She was furious. I thought that women liked compliments, champagne, nice dinners, romantic walks, turns out what they really like is super-hard cocks. You can provide them with all that other stuff but if you can't give them a super-hard cock they they aren't happy. I pulled up my pants, walked home and masturbated over the thought of giving coffee shop girl a cream horn.

Speak soon

Richard x

Reasons Why I'm Cool

I was recently having a conversation with a friend and we had a difference of opinion over the popular music of The Bruno Mars. My friend said that The Bruno Mars was "Brilliant, a real class act", whereas I said they were "Total shit, a scourge to humanity". He then said that I was out of touch and that I wasn't cool. I'm well known for my rapier wit so I quickly scythed him down with, "You're not cool". Quick as a flash he returned with "You are the one who is not cool", understandably, I had no comeback for this, so I just punched him in the face and left.

I know that I am cool and I don't need to prove it. If you do have to prove that you're cool then you obviously aren't cool. Here is a list of reasons why I'm cool -

- I can skateboard
- One of my parents is black
- My Television, phone, tablet PC and penis are highly touch sensitive.
- I've never seen a Lord of the Ring
- I have two leather jackets
- I have fingered a girl at a bus stop
- I listen Urban Hymns while walking in the sunshine.
- I'm a big fan gratuitous nudity
- I have a pet llama called AIDs
- I know karate
- I shave my pubic hair
- I've had sex both with and on a jet ski
- I have an extra testicle
- I think reading is gay
- I have wrestled three midgets
- I refuse to wear condoms
- I once got paid for sex (I actually robbed a girl while she was sleeping but it still counts)
- I don't give a fuck about sunsets
- I often disappoint my mother
- I smell like what I imagine Dolph Lundgren smells like
- I have a 50m swimming certificate
- I drink myself to sleep most nights.
- I take steroids.
- I call my penis The Dark Marauder
- I have an albino cat called Dubstep
- I can't dance
- I often refer to cool things as being "Boss"
- I start rapping every time I hear Superman by Eminem
- My ex-girlfriend is now a lesbian


So there you have it, you may have thought that you were cool but you're obviously not as cool as me, just think about that next time you want to go toe-to-toe about The Bruno Mars or any other topic. Also, if I lose I will punch you in the face - Bam! What was that? Oh, it was just my fists, Cool Breeze and Vanilla Heat (pretty cool fist names), so remember that.