First Impressions

First impressions are always important, no more so than for a job interview or first date. Remember, a date is a job interview for the missionary position. I'm great at first impressions, especially with women. I have a certain nihilistic quality that women seem to appreciate and latch on to. Sadly this blog is only about good first impressions, because that's all I'm good at, beyond any initial interaction/attraction I usually fuck things up very quickly. If you have a first date or job interview coming up then read my advice, it could mean the difference between you getting the job of your dreams or trying to blow yourself again.

Appearance


For both a date and a job interview you're going to want to look your best. People these days, not me, tend to judge people on their external appearance....I was just telling my friend with the bad teeth that the other day. For both a job interview and a date you can never go wrong dressing a little understated. If you get a second date or follow-up interview then you can try to express yourself a little more. However, if you're tempted to get that Ed Hardy T-Shirt out of the wardrobe then you should refrain, in fact, take that and any clothes like it and set them on fire, then have a priest come over and perform an exorcism on your sense of taste.

Manner


I have a very simple routine before any date, job interview or exam - First off  I masturbate in the shower. Chances are I would probably do this anyway, but I always do it before an important event. The release of all those happy endorphins centres the mind and stops me thinking about sex just long enough to get through the date/interview/exam. The second thing I do is listen to Smack My Bitch Up by The Prodigy - This is my get-psyched song, it changes me from the normal, placid guy I am (Fuck off, I am placid) into a frenzied killer (Not literally if the girl I have a date with is reading). Ready for action.

Hair and Nails


Personally, I like my hair like my women, high and tight. A man's hair should always be short. This aint Woodstock fellas, keep the hair simple. You don't wanna go into a job interview looking like you just got extensions and a rough bumming from Vidal Sassoon, and a woman doesn't want to date a guy who's hair looks like it takes longer to primp and preen than hers. I generally like my hair shaved or in the old Hitler style - I find that many of the modern day dictators are very good hair role models. I know that you can condemn them for other aspects of their character, but they do seem to have neat hair.....except that Gadaffi, he always was a bit renegade.

Men's nails should always be short and clean. One reason is that articulate people have a tendency to gesticulate, this draws attention to your hands. Who knows when you're gonna wanna bust out the robot on a date, or show her some sweet karate poses. You don't wanna be throwing her some sweet 80s dance moves and all she can see is your dirty finger nails. Also, if the date goes well then you might be using your fingers later. Your nails should be short and neatly trimmed, not bitten - If you like the woman and want another date then you want the woman to have good time, this means using your fingers (and tongue), and take your time and do it properly. Remember, if a woman sees you have long, dirty nails then all she's gonna imagine is that you're gonna be like a bear pawing at her as if she's a bee hive and you're trying to get the honey out, she doesn't want that.....and any employer will just think you're dirty and unkempt. N.B your nails are like your arm-face, you wouldn't go out with a dirty face, would you?

Scent


This is very much like the clothing, it should be understated. You don't want to go on a date or into an interview room smelling like a whore's handbag. If mosquitoes are flying into your airspace and dropping out of the sky then it's too much. I like to put just a bit of aftershave on my neck, that way if she comes in close for a kiss then she gets a nice smell of some subtle aftershave........also, just above my penis in case she sucks my dick. Nice and subtle.

That covers the basics, sadly the rapport and conversation is down to you. Evidently, you can't teach wit and charm, that's just a God-given gift (I had to refund everybody that paid for my Wit & Charm school).

Here are a few tips to help you -

• Do keep your answers short and sweet - Don't waffle on to the interviewer and don't talk about yourself too much, and on a date, just keeping asking about her.
• Do not use words such as, fuck-pig, thunder-cunt, or Water-Chinese (Filipinos) 
• Do not ask her to pass the pepper but accidentally say, "Could I have your underwear?"
• Do imagine your interviewer naked
• Don't imagine your date naked, or what her nipples or pubic hair will look like....you'll get distracted, spill a drink on her and she'll walk out leaving you to eat the starter platter for two by yourself, whilst the rest of the restaurant laughs at you.
• Do gentlemanly things- open doors, pull out chairs, try to finger her at a bus stop etc. Be classy
• Don't tell your interviewer that you're probably better than him and that you'll have his job within months.
• Do wear clean underwear
• Do not prove to anyone that you're wearing clean underwear.
• Always leave them wanting more