The Bible: A New Hope

In a Galilee far, far away.....

I love the bible, great book, great films. I personally think that the second one, The Bible: Return of the Jesus is even better than the first, The Bible: A New Hope. It's just a rip-roaring read from start to finish, a real page turner (I didn't read it). For those who haven't read the book or seen the film then I'll give you a quick synopsis -


So there's this really powerful guy, in the book he's called God but in the film it's Darth Vader (I think he re-branded after the old testament). He meets this bird, a princess. They fall in love and decide to consummate their love. She was bang up for it, he was like, "Shouldn't we use protection?", she tries to reassure him, "I have two sentry guards just outside the entrance". "Shit, where?!", he exclaimed. "No, the entrance to the room. Anyway, it's my first time and you can't get pregnant first time." He still seemed tentative so she continued, "If you're really worried then you can just pour Coca-Cola in there afterwards, okay?" - It was like a fairytale.


What he didn't know is that she'd been putting it about all over the galaxy, because of the trade embargo with Namboo she'd been trading sex for help getting supplies (ironically for birth control). Anyway, she gets pregnant but doesn't tell him. She has twins, separates them and doesn't tell them or the father - She's secretive, a proper sneaky one. The kids grow up separately, one as a princess (the girl), the other as a dirt plougher (farmer, he's not gay). He then joins this gang called the Jews. He learns the skills required to fight against the Catholics, lead by Darth Vader. 


After his training Jesus and his crew were betrayed by one of their own, Judas. Because of Judas, Jesus' best mate, Han Solo was frozen in liquid carbonite (Jesus was gutted). Jesus and Vader then battle it out for control of the galaxy. It was classic stuff, good versus evil, black versus white, good old fashioned Jew on Christian fighting. The battle was fiercely fought, but because Vader had previously been a Jew he had knowledge of all Jesus' powers, plus he had a few sneaky Christian tricks up his sleeve too.The fight had spilled out onto a ledge on the outside of the spaceship. Vader got the upper hand, but rather than kill Jesus he decided to offer him the chance to join him, "But you killed my father", "No Jesus, I am your father" - Bombshell, classic third act twist, these bible writers really knew what they were doing.

Vader was fuming that Jesus turned him down, so he sliced off Jesus' hand with his Christian lightsabre (a sword with a blade of light, powered by guilt), "Lord, why have you forsaken me?" Jesus exclaimed. Jesus then jumped off off the ledge to his apparent death.........but he returned 3 days later with a Jewish robot arm (the batteries were only expected to last one night, but they lasted eight days).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Darth Vader converts to Christianity and helps Jesus defeat the evil overlord, let's call him Zeus. Vader dies and they take his helmet off and find out that he looks like a pickled ballbag. Jesus nearly bangs his own sister, but doesn't. They defrost Han Solo who slips Jesus' sister a cheeky  one, and Judas hangs himself.

I think if you read the book (The Bible), something bad happens to Jesus but luckily Hollywood glossed over all of that and gave us the happy ending we all wanted.

The End.