Honesty

I've always described myself as a "natural storyteller", regaling audiences with tales of heroic gentlemen and fair maidens. Tales of  romance and adventure, life and love, miscreants and marauders.......oh and that one time my mate fisted a girl and she licked his hand afterwards (true). I will often take things that happened to a friend of a friend and say that they happened to my friend. I will take things that happened to a friend and say they happened to me - It's just re-working the truth, re-attributing facts to tell a better story- I weave the truth around my finger and contrive a tapestry of awe and splendor........other times I just lie.

The amount of elaboration is often directly proportional to the amount of alcohol I've consumed. If I was drunk and you were to ask me about how many women I've slept with, or that time I got in a knife-fight with that 7ft hobo, then the stories could really get out of hand, but when I'm sober you're more than likely to get the truth.

I've always had somewhat of a moral flexibility, but I really don't see the difference between getting on stage and saying, "I asked my girlfriend if she enjoyed having sex with me. She said that she took objection to the word "with", it's over so quick she didn't feel she participated", or me telling a random girl that my girlfriend recently died in a house fire so that she might have sex with me (really slow, awkwardly passionate, sympathy sex. You know, really grind it out) - They are both lies, is one worse than the other? (Someone cries in the shower after both).

There are, of course, different levels of lies. There is the white lie which is okay, and the black lie which is bad, this seems like an extremely racist way to label them. I prefer to call them the Wesley Snipes lie and the Woody Harrelson lie. There are two reasons behind these names. Number two, Wesley Snipes often kills people in movies, and Woody Harrelson often plays gullible idiots......and my main reason, White Men Can't Jump, 'nuff said.

Woody Harrelson's are a big part of a harmonious society, we hear them everyday, "No, your bum doesn't look big", "Yeah, it was really good. I came twice", "We don't need one, I've had a vasectomy". If we told the absolute truth all the time then things would be chaos. Example, I know that I'm a prick. I act like a prick, dress like a prick and say prickish things, but if I were to ask my mates if they thought I was a prick then they'd say......yes, they'd say yes. Bad example. But you get the point, we need those little lies to help keep everything on an even keel - We can't be going around telling women they have big, fat asses, or that someone's shit in bed....or that we just don't like wearing condoms. It'd be mental, not everyone is as awesomely impervious to insults as me (What a prick).

Lying in relationships is complicated. As trust is such a fundamental building block of a relationship, lies can really cause damage. There are lies that are okay to tell to your partner, "Yeah, you were amazing", "I came like three times", "Nah, it just slipped in, but we might as well try it now". But a Wesley Snipes lie is different. That is when you intentionally hurt someone by keeping the truth from them or masking the truth to protect yourself at the expense of others. A very common example of this is cheating. I can't stand people who cheat - There's nobody forcing you to stay with the person you're with, so if you wanna fuck someone else then break up with your current partner first. Don't be a coward.

So remember, whites are good, blacks are bad, and I totally beat that guy in that knife-fight. He came at me with his knife, I just put mine to the ground and suggested we fight like men. He refused and tried to stab me, quick as a flash I dodged the knife and took him down with a karate chop to the chest. When the police arrived they said that my hands should be categorised as deadly weapons, but I told them that Cool Breeze and Vanilla Heat were for loving not fighting. So the moral of the story is: I totally know karate and that did all happen.

Remember, winners don't lie, they don't inject heroin between their toes to hide the track marks, and they do know karate.