Letter Writing

In these modern times the ability to hand-write a letter is becoming a lost art. I want this blog to be a guide to letter writing.

The Ink

Many people don't even think of what type/colour of ink to use but it's as important as anything else. If you're writing a love letter then consider writing it in blood and sealing the envelope in another bodily fluid. If it's a love note to your reclusive/distant girlfriend (Tara) then try using something special like unicorn tears. If it's hate mail then consider using faeces (your own). If it's a ransom note then use the blood of your kidnapee (obviously).Using the right ink will really set the tone.... Get it right.

The Salutation

Tradition dictates that we should start a letter with "To" or "Dear"- firstly don't let Tradition dictate anything to you (Tradition is an alcoholic and forces his wife to go to strangers funerals with no underwear on) and secondly "To" and "Dear" aren't gonna get any ones attention. Try using "I have your son" or "I hate it when you shut your curtains at night" - anything along these lines will really grab their attention, and will get you a response (We all have lawyers Tara and 300ft is nothing for my binoculars)

The Opening

Always start the letter with "This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write"- this really grabs the readers attention (It's particularly useful if applying for a dyslexia grant). Also try to set the tone early, your second sentence should encapsulate what you're trying to get across - "You want your son back, I want to purchase a black-market liver (just in case)" "You think a restraining order will keep us apart" "Thanks for the binoculars mum"- Once you set up the letter then you can reinforce your point with further information/graphs/photos of the child with today's newspaper etc.

The Ending

Sending a letter in the post takes and lot longer than an e-mail and waiting for a reply is very frustrating, did they send a response? Did they call the police? Did they move house again (Tara!)? So you always need to give them a deadline, I prefer "You have 24 hours" - It's a reasonable amount of time, and I'm known for being reasonable (the ransom amount is non-negotiable though)

Signing Off

Depending on who you're sending the letter to, you may or may not want to give your full name, for instance, when writing to Mr & Mrs Jones I sign off with "The Snatcher in the Rye", when writing to Tara I sign of with "Your Snatch, This Guy"- It's your choice (which was the p.s in my last letter to Tara, for legal reasons I can't tell you what her choices were but one of them was a romantic evening of bear-baiting)

I hope this blog has been helpful, please feel free to practice your letter-writing in the comment section below.

Arguing

I worked as a debt collector for a number of years which means I know something about the art of arguing. I have also had my nose broken twice, which means that I don't always get people to see my side (And have slow reactions). Arguing is fun and arguing leads to fun. Every argument that I have been in has lead to either sex, money, a lawsuit or a fight - one time it was all four but it isn't as good as it sounds; I used my settlement from oxycontin to pay a hooker to hit me.

As a debt collector I learned how to win an argument. If somebody is unable to pay you, first threaten legal action. If they still can't pay then you threaten physical action. If they still refuse to pay then you threaten the eyes of their youngest/unborn children- simple.

If you want a good argument then you should argue over beliefs rather than facts; facts can be proven, but beliefs can only be destroyed (which is much more fun). The big arguments are always fun; abortion, religion, evolution, necrophilia - these are all a matter of belief, faith and opinion. F.Y.I I'm pro-choice, agnostic, I think Darwin, Attenborough and Dawkins are the closest thing to God, and only on Halloween.

Tie-breaks- If you are unable to settle an argument, because your adversary wont back down or is physically stronger than you then there are certain things you have to do to win:**

1. Question their sexuality- "Wow, I didn't know sucking cock made you a fucking idiot" - saying these as aggressively as possible will really get your point across.

2. Refuse to listen to them and keep repeating the same point over and over until they leave (winning by default is still winning)

3. Edit wikipedia to prove that you're correct, this can be done from any laptop, P.C or mobile phone.

4. Getting a friend to back you up, a good friend should do this anyway even if they know that you're wrong, shouldn't they Steve.

5. Pretend that you suddenly forgot to speak English, your opponent will just walk away, confused? Sure, but you still kinda win.

**Please note that these rules do not apply if one of the argumentiators (a cross between argument and gladiator- brilliant) is a woman, the man wins by default. If both argumentiators are women then the argument is irrelevant**

Me

Anybody who knows me will know that I don't like talking about myself.........in the first person. I don't really like talking about myself in the third person either, "Richard Howarth once went on a date to the cinema and cut a hole...." - it just doesn't sound right. Though using "He" to describe myself is kinda on the right lines (I think capitalising the H in He is what you do when referring to God, which is more the vibe I'm going for.)

As I got no responses to my personal ad in my previous blog, I'm just gonna list some characteristics, likes and dislikes that should attract some attention. Think of it as word-bait on the fish-hook of love, dangled in the lake of opportunity (First characteristic, great with analogies)

Hobbies

Drinking - I enjoy the occasional drink. I don't do anything half-hearted (except draw the half-a-heart chain my mother left me, my adopted brother has the other half; I'll find him one day). I drink to get drunk, but I don't over do it - If I'm passed out on the floor, chocking on my own vomit then I'll just stick to shots after that; I don't go crazy.

Bear-baiting- Nothing makes you feel like more of a man than going toe-to-toe with one of natures most powerful killers (who has been chained up and sedated) - It's electric.

Sport- I will compete at anything. I don't care who it's against or what sport it's at, I give 110% (I know you think it's impossible to give 110%, I bet you also think it's impossible to have three testicles, it's not). So if you wanna take me on your can, F.Y.I my specialities are bear-baiting, long distance shouting and who's got the most testicles.

Comedy- I will laugh at anything. I love to laugh. I like to laugh and to make other people laugh and smile. I will often invite friends over and spike their drink with a muscle relaxant such as oxycontin. I then dress as a pike and shout "I'm a fish out of water"- they laugh for hours. Then when they pass out or fall down the stairs, I get a good laugh.

Science- I love all science. I love the "factiness" of it all (Copyright is pending on "factiness") I love the black and white (and Asians). There are no grey areas (except the grey areas). I'm a firm believer in evolution and anybody who believes in creationism is an idiot and will go to hell.

Philanthropy- I'm a big believer in charity and I don't just mean fat chicks. I give to charity a lot. I recently donated three blind seeing-eye dogs to the local blind home to help catch out benefit cheats. The program was somewhat successful in that four people are no longer claiming benefits, you're welcome.

Having listed all my hobbies I have run out of space to discuss and other attributes, including physical attractiveness; let's just say that you won't be disappointed **

**DISCLAIMER** If you were expecting Richard to be physically attractive then you will be disappointed.

Women

Women are amazing. Women are up there with drinking and bear-baiting as the greatest things on earth. The greatest moment of my life is the night I combined all three, I can't go into details but lets just say that I had to smash the "honey pot" to get my hand out. Woman are special, from the touch of their skin, the scent of their neck and the pleading face that insecure women give when you're fucking them; They're almost flawless.

It's not all good though, they are also liars. They say that they want to sleep with you, but when you get them back to yours they change their mind when you insist on them taking a silkwood shower. Oh like I'm supposed to give you the best seventy-two seconds of your life without you being properly decontaminated, not on my watch Tara! (though I do like to watch, Tara)

I sometimes wonder what the world would be like if women could be more like the ones from my dreams, but a world filled with Asian sex-workers would be impractical, sure we'd get smaller, cheaper and more efficient sex-workers, but real prostitutes are disgusting. The Japanese should stick to making smaller, cheaper, efficient cars and leave the "Handa Jazz" to my dreams. (The "Handa Jazz" joke is funny if you say it in a stereotypically racist, generic Chinese accent)

In conclusion, I'm twenty-two, average looks and build, G.S.O.H (see above) looking for a woman who likes long walks, doesn't lie and won't tell me that my hand will definitely fit, whilst taunting a bear. Please leave your details in the comment section below.

Grammar

I'm no fan of grammar. I like to use words, words like trombone, science, staphylococcus. I don't like the way grammar tells me that I have to use these words in a particular way. If I want to capitalise the coc in staphyloCOCcus to make it even funnier then I should be able to. If I can't think of a punchline, then I should be able to trail off instead of

Look "at" this-sentence. If you weren't so distracted by the poor grammar you may have noticed that four of the seven words are communists (I'm no fan of maths either....or communists)

I hate the way that grammar makes you feel bad, but in a passive aggressive way, you wouldn't be so : ' - ( (upset) if your girlfriend wasn't such a : - 0 (Slag/dick-sucker). I'm not gonna be judged by a pixelated ; - ) (winker), I'm fucking awesome : - P

I want to live in a world free of Grammar's tyrannical rule over the written word. William Shakespeare once said "A man is defined by the lining of his suit and his accurate use of punctuation, I myself am a Satin man, my brother a cashmere weave." Now I'm a big fan of Shakespeare, despite him fucking Gwyneth Paltrow in that film, but he's ridiculous; A man is defined by a dictionary, nothing more.....and a suit should be lined with silk or cotton.

Semicolons

I hate semicolons. When to use them? where to use them? Fuck 'em. A comma or full stop is more than enough. Or don't use anything, just keep typing until your fingers cramp up or you've got nothing left to say......then type some more.

Why are they only "semi" colons, didn't have what it takes to be a proper colon? I don't watch semi-professional sport, I don't drink semi-skimmed milk, my penis is never semi erect. Go hard or go home. I have one piece of advice for all you semicolon users, it's the same thing I used to say to my ex-girlfriend "It's full colon or nothing" (I'm not sure why we broke up)