Saturday, 18 July 2009

Grammar

I'm no fan of grammar. I like to use words, words like trombone, science, staphylococcus. I don't like the way grammar tells me that I have to use these words in a particular way. If I want to capitalise the coc in staphyloCOCcus to make it even funnier then I should be able to. If I can't think of a punchline, then I should be able to trail off instead of

Look "at" this-sentence. If you weren't so distracted by the poor grammar you may have noticed that four of the seven words are communists (I'm no fan of maths either....or communists)

I hate the way that grammar makes you feel bad, but in a passive aggressive way, you wouldn't be so : ' - ( (upset) if your girlfriend wasn't such a : - 0 (Slag/dick-sucker). I'm not gonna be judged by a pixelated ; - ) (winker), I'm fucking awesome : - P

I want to live in a world free of Grammar's tyrannical rule over the written word. William Shakespeare once said "A man is defined by the lining of his suit and his accurate use of punctuation, I myself am a Satin man, my brother a cashmere weave." Now I'm a big fan of Shakespeare, despite him fucking Gwyneth Paltrow in that film, but he's ridiculous; A man is defined by a dictionary, nothing more.....and a suit should be lined with silk or cotton.

Semicolons

I hate semicolons. When to use them? where to use them? Fuck 'em. A comma or full stop is more than enough. Or don't use anything, just keep typing until your fingers cramp up or you've got nothing left to say......then type some more.

Why are they only "semi" colons, didn't have what it takes to be a proper colon? I don't watch semi-professional sport, I don't drink semi-skimmed milk, my penis is never semi erect. Go hard or go home. I have one piece of advice for all you semicolon users, it's the same thing I used to say to my ex-girlfriend "It's full colon or nothing" (I'm not sure why we broke up)

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