Letter Writing

In these modern times the ability to hand-write a letter is becoming a lost art. I want this blog to be a guide to letter writing.

The Ink

Many people don't even think of what type/colour of ink to use but it's as important as anything else. If you're writing a love letter then consider writing it in blood and sealing the envelope in another bodily fluid. If it's a love note to your reclusive/distant girlfriend (Tara) then try using something special like unicorn tears. If it's hate mail then consider using faeces (your own). If it's a ransom note then use the blood of your kidnapee (obviously).Using the right ink will really set the tone.... Get it right.

The Salutation

Tradition dictates that we should start a letter with "To" or "Dear"- firstly don't let Tradition dictate anything to you (Tradition is an alcoholic and forces his wife to go to strangers funerals with no underwear on) and secondly "To" and "Dear" aren't gonna get any ones attention. Try using "I have your son" or "I hate it when you shut your curtains at night" - anything along these lines will really grab their attention, and will get you a response (We all have lawyers Tara and 300ft is nothing for my binoculars)

The Opening

Always start the letter with "This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write"- this really grabs the readers attention (It's particularly useful if applying for a dyslexia grant). Also try to set the tone early, your second sentence should encapsulate what you're trying to get across - "You want your son back, I want to purchase a black-market liver (just in case)" "You think a restraining order will keep us apart" "Thanks for the binoculars mum"- Once you set up the letter then you can reinforce your point with further information/graphs/photos of the child with today's newspaper etc.

The Ending

Sending a letter in the post takes and lot longer than an e-mail and waiting for a reply is very frustrating, did they send a response? Did they call the police? Did they move house again (Tara!)? So you always need to give them a deadline, I prefer "You have 24 hours" - It's a reasonable amount of time, and I'm known for being reasonable (the ransom amount is non-negotiable though)

Signing Off

Depending on who you're sending the letter to, you may or may not want to give your full name, for instance, when writing to Mr & Mrs Jones I sign off with "The Snatcher in the Rye", when writing to Tara I sign of with "Your Snatch, This Guy"- It's your choice (which was the p.s in my last letter to Tara, for legal reasons I can't tell you what her choices were but one of them was a romantic evening of bear-baiting)

I hope this blog has been helpful, please feel free to practice your letter-writing in the comment section below.