Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Had to go to the doctors on Friday to sort out that rash on my peepee. The doctor said that I probably got it from sleeping with a "friendly girl" and that I should contact anyone I've slept with in the last three months. I called her up and told her that she'd given me an STD. She told me to stop crying and then asked which one I was, "I thought I was special!" I said, "Seriously, who is this?" she replied. I put down the phone and went back to crying into my chardonnay. Luckily it's just a short course of antibiotics and it should be gone. The doctor asked if I shaved as a precaution, I said yes because I didn't want to tell her about the thrill I get from a freshly shorn scrotum, even though she looked like the kind of woman that would understand.

Keep going in the coffee shop to see that girl. The first time I went in I made a tit of myself, women don't want a man that orders a skinny laté and a skinny blueberry muffin.  So I've been in a few times since and butched up my order a bit (mocha frappuccino, squirt of cream and dash of vanilla, and a cream horn). The other day we had a little joke: I was kinda staring at her and daydreaming, I picked up my frappuccino and walked off. I then had to re-queue and ask if she'd seen my cream horn, "Is that it in your pants?" she enquired, "Haha, no that's just my erection, these pants do little to contain my thunder" I said, turns out I'd unknowingly put the cake in my pocket. She just laughed it off and very effectively hid her revulsion. A sweetheart.

Went on another date with Sarah. I've been a little reluctant to push things forward, partly because I like the girl in the coffee shop, but also because of my sexually transmitted disease. We've been going on a few nice dates recently and although I'm no expert in reading signals, I think she wants more. The other night she pinned me up against a wall and said "Why won't you kiss me? Are you bent or what?", I took that as a sign that she wanted me to kiss her, so as a man I kissed her once and then waited for her to tell me to kiss her again. The date continued and I did all the things that I thought women liked, I took her for champagne and a nice dinner, I complimented her on what she was wearing and I walked her home and kissed her goodnight. I thought it was the perfect date. Next thing I know she's dragging me into her flat and trying to rip my pants off, I had to tell her to stop. She was furious. I thought that women liked compliments, champagne, nice dinners, romantic walks, turns out what they really like is super-hard cocks. You can provide them with all that other stuff but if you can't give them a super-hard cock they they aren't happy. I pulled up my pants, walked home and masturbated over the thought of giving coffee shop girl a cream horn.

Speak soon

Richard x