Tara: The Early Days

The story of me and Tara is a story as old as time. Boy meets girl lurking in the undergrowth, deep in the Papa New Guinea Jungle. Girl is curious about the boy as she's never seen a white man before. Boy purchases girl from her family and fed-Exs her back to Britain in an extremely cramped container (to save money).

I better elaborate slightly as this story is slightly different from all the other versions you'll have heard before. I was deep in the Papa New Guinea jungle, searching for a botanical cure to having an extra testicle. I suddenly saw something move in the distance, thinking it was a Centaur I set off in hot pursuit. I relentlessly chased the mythical creature through the thick jungle. Suddenly the creature stopped and started moving towards me, as it got nearer I began to realise that it wasn't a Centaur at all, but a woman in half a pantomime horse costume. It was Tara. I'd never seen anybody more beautiful in my life, a cross between Freida Pinto and Black Beauty - wonderful lustrous hair.

She couldn't speak a word of English, but she led me back to her village. She stayed perfectly silent, but pointed and gestured the way. I kept staring at her tail, asking if I could feed the pony. When we got to her village I had so many questions to ask - Was she going to a fancy dress? Where was the rest of her costume? If there is a party, is there anywhere I could rent an E.T costume? Luckily her brother had an electronic translator and he answered all my questions, except how he got the electronic translator.

I asked Tara's brother about her availability, whether she had somebody special. He advised me that she was available and because she was barren, she was very cheap - This made me very happy as I like to get a good deal and I wouldn't need condoms. I traded Tara for my Casio CTK530 keyboard (batteries not included) and decided to head home. Her brother played Total Eclipse of the Heart on the keyboard (poorly) as Tara was loaded onto the Fed-ex truck.

I arrived back in Britain the following morning, I only had a few hours to get the house tidy before she arrived as I'd overnighted her. I remember when the van approached, I felt so happy. I remember that my hand was shaking, I could barely hold the pen when the delivery guy asked me to sign for her. The look on her face when I opened the box. She looked so surprised (and slightly out of breath), I don't think she'd ever seen a dado rail before.

F.Y.I- her name isn't actually Tara, I gave her the name Tara because I couldn't pronounce her real name.Tara is an acronym of a couple of my Heroes, Tori Amos and Rowan Atkinson. Her real name is Equivicado, which is Spanish for "Lady who likes full colon" (that joke couldn't work on more levels if I tried).

Those early days were heaven, nothing but constant sex (till she learnt no in English). I wouldn't trade those memories for the world, though maybe for a Casio CTK496 if anybody has one (preferably pre-loaded with Little Drummer Boy).