Science

I love a lot of things in life, two of my favourites are women and science (and not alcohol, just in case my sponsor, Steve is reading). I know what you're thinking "how can you love something so accurate, logical and honest and love women?" - to me the two aren't mutually exclusive. Sure, in a world of Venn diagrams there isn't an overlap between science and women (except the bionic woman and the woman with three tits from Total Recall) but it doesn't matter. I used to like drinking and driving, but when the two overlap there are terrible consequences, now I'm not allowed to drink or drive (cheers for that Judge Klein and Steve) now I have to take the 12 steps, not just because it's court ordered but also cos my license was suspended. oh and I can't sleep at night because I still see the screaming faces...but I digress.

Science is brilliant, I will now go through some of my favourite bits of science, feel free to take notes.

Potassium Permanganate - KMnO4

Not only is it fun to say, try it with me Po-ta-ssium Per-man-ga-nate but when you dissolve it in water it turns an awesome purple colour. There you have it, fun to say and also very arousing (The colour purple arouses me).

The Brown Ring Test

Not only a good way to see if your girlfriend truly loves you (Tara doesn't) but it's also a handy test for nitrates. So if you ever want to make nitoglycerin and threaten your estranged girlfriend with a "love bomb" then it's a handy test. N.B-do the first brown ring test first though, it will save you a lot of time, heartache and lube- And if she pretends to try it and then complains that it's too painful, she doesn't truly love you - remember, a wise, handsome man once said "it's full colon or nothing".

Staphylococcus

To be honest, I can take or leave the bacteria itself (taking more than leaving if I go to the takeaway near me, it's under a bridge, what was I thinking?) I just really like saying Staphylococcus, try it with me staph-ylo-cocc-us. Brilliant.

The Human Genome Project

I know what you're thinking, Richard, don't you have a garden ornament that sells drugs and gets paid protection money from the windmill next to your pond? - Yes, but he's a G-Gnome. I always get the word genome and g-gnome confused too, its because they're homophones (not the nokia I stick up my ass and ring myself). The human genome project is the mapping of human genes. I had my genome mapped and it showed all the hereditary diseases that I had got from my parents - supposedly there's a good chance I'll get diabetes and that the recurring dream I have about the Asian sex workers is inherited from my mothers side of the family.

Playing God

I've always wanted to be god, I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be omnipotent, that's omnipotent not impotent - I already know what that's like (I inherited that from my dad). Imagine playing God: Cloning, stem cell research, putting on a white beard and trying to convince women you're the second coming (it's the only coming I get these days, thanks dad) - I don't get why people call it "playing God" god doesn't exist, he won't cure cancer, re-grow organs or impregnate a women and leave the country;Scientist should be allowed to do what they won't in the name of science. By the way ladies, I'm donating my body to science and you're science- need I say more.

So that's it, the best bits of science. If you have any queries regarding this blog, or want to track the progress of my research into half-human, half-scorpion drink dispensers (with cocktail straw) then feel free to leave me a comment and I'll try to get back to you.