Happiness

I wrote the book on happiness, literally, it's called Happiness and You. When I wrote the book I didn't really know what happiness was, subsequently found out that it's buying a larger house from my royalty cheques. I'm currently working on a sequel, I'm calling it Happiness and You Too (My girlfriend wants a speedboat).

I've had some unhappy times (like the time I was told that I was too ugly to be a television presenter and I had to resort to writing a self-help novel), but I've also had some good times (no memories found). Though I may not have experienced as many happy times as other people- I've seen them from a distance, seen them laughing, smiling, holding hands with people, those bastards! Anyway, here is my short guide to happiness and how to get it.

Be Rich
"Money can't buy happiness"- of course not, money is happiness. Money allows you to avoid the complications that other people have to go through. The number of families that are torn apart by debt and poverty. Families tossed out onto the street because their house has been repossessed. It also allows you to purchase a higher quality of prostitute. Being rich will ease your strife. If you get rich enough, say if your a high-profile sportsman, it means that you can kill your wife and her lover and get away with it. So to recap: Get rich. Stay rich. Hire prostitutes. Kill your wife. Be happy.

Be A Good-looking Woman
This is a bit of a lottery. You're either are a good-looking woman or you're not. Being a good-looking man isn't quite as effective (I should know). Being a really hot woman allows you to avoid a lot of life's problems- You don't have to do any real work because a man will always hire you to model, present television shows, lie on a table, naked with sushi being eaten off you (the dream). They never have to lift anything heavy or do any strenuous work as a man will always offer to do it for them. I know what you're wondering (does he really hate attractive women this much?) "How does all this make the good-looking women happy?"- Simple, the women use their attractiveness to get rich (which I've proven makes you happy). Now the women rarely earn the money themselves, they just marry a rich man and gain the money that way, it's sexually transmitted wealth.Simple.

Be Religious
Now I'm not a religious person, I believe anybody that believes in God is an idiot and will burn in hell. However, I have found that religious people are happier than us atheists. They wander through life with the belief that "everything happens for a reason" or "God moves in mysterious ways" - these are the classic religious get-out clauses that mean that you can still believe in God even though your mother died of leukaemia  or that children in Africa are born with AIDs- it's perfect. No matter how shit your life is on Earth it will all be okay in heaven (or whatever nirvana you've been promised). This makes them very happy (and irritating, and depending on religion, touch kids).
To sum up: Choose a religion (any of them). Blindly believe everything your holy book says. Follow the rules of you religion (forgoing any real fun life has to offer). Don't blame God when your friends and family die. Thank God when you have any luck in life. Indoctrinate your children to follow the same religion. Think you're going to heaven. Die. Burn and be scattered or be worm food.

Those are just a few of the tips you'll find in my book Happiness and You Too. Please buy the book, my girlfriend has been getting mouthy and I don't have quite enough money to be above the law yet, or buy and knife and Ford Bronco.

Be safe. Be happy. Hire prostitutes. Get Rich