I don't just want any old job. I've had "real" jobs, not "real" in that you get up at 6 a.m to dig ditches or mend stuff, don't be crazy. No, my "real" jobs were in air-conditioned offices, talking to people on the phone, liaising, meeting, collating, truncating, eating, sitting etc. I don't want that kind of job either. I want to get up at noon, eat cereal all day and write stuff. I want to write stuff, good stuff, with words that are good and stuff. I know I can do it. That's why I've decided to get out into the world. I'm going viral, this does not mean that I'm going to stop wearing condoms (I never did), it means that I'm going to be all over the internet. I want to be displayed over the internet more than I've sprayed over the internet (1,00,256, 657 hits and counting).
I'm going viral in a number of ways and stuff. I think it's called "going viral" cos you have to whore yourself out (please, please, please read/watch all my stuff. I also sell sex on the internet).
- This Blog
You're reading it so it's pretty clear what it does. I write stories (hilarious ones), I write opinion pieces (I think this piece is hilarious), basically, I write stuff to make people laugh. I write it as a version of myself so I can make stuff up. I can also use this character version of me to say offensive things about people, things that if I get pulled up on I can blame on "Richard": Which Richard has multiple personalties? Which Richard doesn't trust that Japanese? Which Richard is a misogynist? Which Richard frequents prostitutes? Richard doesn't know, "Richard" doesn't know, and I don't know (Though I do know that, Miso Horny, his Japanese courtesan is a cunt).
- My Other Blog (http://versechorusverse-flus2006.blogspot.com/)
I want to be in a band called "Cum N Thunder". I want us to be the biggest band in the world. I want the whole world to hear our music, watch us play (Suck my cock) and buy the T-shirt. I've already designed the T-shirt btw: On the front it will have the C 'N' T logo, beneath it is "All that's missing is U". Perfect. Anyway, I don't play any instruments and I can't sing for shit, so I write lyrics and post them to my blog. If anybody would like to join the band then please contact me, you could put the U in C'N'T.
- My Tumblr (http://flus2006.tumblr.com/)
This is a mood board for when I'm bored, hence the name "Mood Bored"- brilliant. It's basically a collection of stuff, grouped together based on what I'm feeling like that day. Example, if I'm hungover after a huge night out then I might post acoustic music, recipes for hangover food, photos of my vomit. If I accidentally shoot a pelican in the face in Regent's Park then I might post videos of pelicans that haven't been shot in the face, sad music, a picture of my vomit -You get the picture (of my vomit).
- My Twitter (http://twitter.com/#!/flus2006)
I thought this would be good at showing off my improv ability. You have a limited space so you have to be quick and sharp, two things I'm really good at- There was this one time when a girl came up to me and said "A girl walks in on her dad taking a piss and asks "Daddy, daddy, why don't I have one of them between my legs?" and the father responds "wait til your mother goes out"" She dipped her finger in my drink and licked it "Now, do you want to show me what he meant by that?" and I said "I know I am but what are you!"- it's that kind of classic banter that Twitter was designed for. Follow me.
- The Youtube
Me and a friend of mine have bee writing sketches to be filmed and uploaded to Youtube. We should be filming some in early January. I can't tell you what they're about because I'll ruin them for you, just imagine they're like "Harry & Paul", except not absolute shite**
**DISCLAIMER** Richard Howarth can't guarantee that you will like his sketches more than those seen in the "Harry & Paul" television show. He can guarantee they will be better, but has no control over your terrible taste. What? Those pricks from "Little Britain" have a new show (Exhibit A, the defence rests).
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