Part-Time Magician (Gob Bluth Tribute)

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a magician. Ever since I was two and my mum made my dad disappear, I've always wanted to be the centre of attention (you can't ignore a man who keeps doves down his pants. You just can't).

There are a number of things you need to be a magician: perserverence.......purserverense.......persiverence....fuck it -You need two hands and some tricks. I had all three. I started working at children's parties to hone my skills and sleight of hand, but approaching children with "Hey kids, do you wanna see something?", I got into a little trouble...and my name on a list (Plus all my balloon animals looked like penises). The kids parties were fine but it wasn't the sort of work that I wanted to, I wanted to be a serious magician, instead I was bundled in with a bunch of clowns as a children's entertainer. I had too much dignity for that (and doves down my pants).

I got a job at McDonald's during the day, it gave me enough money to buy props for new tricks and it meant that I could work evenings as close-up magician at social events. I was starting to make a name for myself on the circuit and I decided to make some changes to my act - I would dress in a suit at all times (I slept in my birthday suit), I would refer to my tricks as illusions to give them some gravitas, and I would try to schmooze the richer clientèle to help with networking.

I would often perform at banquet halls and posh events, most of my clients were older, a bit of swing music and a magician in a tuxedo, good old fashioned entertainment. I had been doing it a few months when an elderly woman at a party propositioned me, she made it very clear that she would pay me to sleep with her.  I told her that I wasn't interested, "One trick is the same as another" she said. I told her that I was a serious magician, I perform illusions, I don't trick people. She offered me £1000. I politely refused and told her that I had too much dignity, "Don't you work at McDonald's?" she asked......so that's how I ended up sleeping with women for money, actually not just women, sometimes men would follow me to my car and watch me masturbate (The dove looked so scared).

Months went by and I began earning large sums of money, I was getting well paid for my work as a magician and as a prostitute, plus I used my sleight of hand to rob my clients as well, I just thought "Fuck it! If I'm gonna be fucking all these bitches, might as well get me a little taste of the side" (That's how us prostitutes talk by the way). I decided to take a holiday with all this money I'd been earning and so I went to Papa New Guinea. I met Tara (You know the story- http://flus2006-thinktank.blogspot.com/2009/08/tara-early-days.html). She returned to England with me.

Tara was traditional, she didn't like the thought of me having sex with women for money or letting men watch me masturbate, or at least I think that's what she was saying, her English wasn't good, she might have just wanted some cheese. Anyway, I stopped. Tara still had the half a pantomime horse costume that she had been wearing when I met her, so I decided to do a Greek mythology style magic act, culminating in me sawing a centaur (Tara) in half. The act was a huge success.

After me and Tara broke up I just couldn't find it within myself to replace her, plus that bitch sued me and took all my equipment. For a while I was considering getting back into the party scene, but that game's changed now, you won't earn a penny unless you're willing to do weird shit like ball juggling or sword swallowing. Not for me, I have too much dignity for that.