Ambition

Ambition is the enemy of success. The likelihood is that the more ambitious you are, the less successful you'll be. The whole world is striving for perfection, aiming for goals that stretch far beyond their capacity and reach, this leaves them empty and unsatisfied (often blogging at 3 a.m). I will go through the various aspects of life that people care about, show you where you're going wrong and help you to be a happier, fatter, poorer person.

Love Life

When asked what they look for in an "ideal partner" most people's lists go on and on; Good-looking, intelligent, good sense of humour, good job, good family, fun, sexy, good in bed, not a rapist, etc, etc, etc - The list is too long and you'll be single for quite a while before you finally compromise on those choices and settle for someone you're not that into. You will eventually compromise, you'll find someone that you kinda like and that kinda likes you, and you'll both eventually learn to tolerate each other just so you can have sex and not spend your birthday alone.

Whereas my list is: female, speaks English, that's all...my last girlfriend was almost both of those. Single people need to simplify, if you're a baby-crazy woman with a ticking biological clock then all you need is a man with a penis that isn't sterile (I'm almost the perfect candidate). If you're a single man with one arm three-times as big as the other then all you need is a woman with an orifice (non-specific). In summation, don't go for the all-rounder-perfect-person cos there aren't that many to go around, it's just me, Jack Bauer, Daley Thompson, Cheetara, Shania Twain and Wednesday Addams.

Job

Every man goes through the same choice of "ideal job", when you're six you want to be Batman, at ten you want to be a footballer, fifteen Tony Montana, then you get to college and actually decide you want a sixty-year career in I.T. It makes sense, the closest you'll ever be to Batman is if your wife takes your six year old off you. The closest you'll be to a footballer is Eiffel-towering a bird with your mate taping it, and to Tony Montana, waiting for the guy with "the sniffles" to come out of the toilet. Grow up. Get a real job. Nobody really ever gets to be a footballer or Batman, but you could start training to be a plumber tomorrow. I know we didn't lay in bed dreaming of being a ditch-digger when we were kids, but there aren't enough special jobs out there. There is only one queen bee and millions of drones- The sooner you realise that you're a drone, the sooner you can drink your way to an early death.

There was going to be a lot more points filled with sharp observations but I couldn't be assed, the advice was so good that I even gave up writing it half way through.