Privacy

Privacy is something that we take very seriously. Every night I sit at my window and see just how seriously people take their privacy. I then put down my night vision goggles and curse the man who invented curtains. These days our privacy is being invaded all over. On the internet we sign up to websites and online services, idly agreeing to the terms and conditions, which, if we actually read, clearly show that Google, iTunes and Facebook are now permitted to access all recesses of our minds, store our bank details and force us to undertake past-life regression, all on the off-chance that it will help them sell more adverts (In a past-life I mustn't have been so well endowed).

But in the last few years both Google and Facebook have faced legal action regarding their privacy policies, turns out the forced rectal exam was one step to far. But as long as we want to use their websites then there is little we can do to stop them. After Google got a slap on the wrist they didn't relent, instead they got even more aggressive. Google+ are now taking direct advertising to a whole new level. If some of your friends within your circle access their Google+ from an iPad, you get a message saying, "3 of your friends have iPads, why don't you?" - Genius. They are combining ads for a desirable product with peer pressure, if only they could suggest it would also get you laid then they'd have covered everything.

It's not all Google and Facebook's fault. We are less private now than ever. I constantly update Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and Tumblr. Spouting out shite for the whole world to read. It doesn't bother me because I don't mind what people know or think about me, there are very few people whose opinion of me I would care about - in fact just the other day my best friend was telling me that he thinks I have intimacy issues......I didn't listen though cos he doesn't really know the real me.

But there's a difference between me going on Twitter and writing, "If I'm guilty of anything it's that I love too much.......but my lawyer thinks he can get it down to mild admiration", and me telling people about that guy I killed..........I don't want to get into it here but I thought it was the panda's blood....and he was alive when I left him. Anyway, that's why I don't got to regattas any more.

The News of the World scandal was a prime example of the hypocrisy over privacy in our society. The mass outrage that the public showed towards the News of the World was absolutely understandable, what they did with Milly Dowler was particularly upsetting. But the News of the World was Britain's biggest selling Sunday paper, every week it would have stories of celebrity scandals and gossip. Recently, millions of people were waiting for a super-injunction to be lifted so that the paper could pay a woman hundreds of thousands of pounds to tell all the details about sex with a married footballer. You can't clamor for scandal, gossip and information overload and then get angry about our lack of privacy when people go the extra mile to provide it . Incidentally, the reason I gave up on my dream of being Prime Minister was because I was worried that no women would come forward and admit to sleeping with me.......You know you did, Sarah, don't deny it.

Anyway, as I am such a fan of honesty and transparency, I've set up a website so you can watch me go about my day. Go to imthefuckingnuts.com and you scan follow me around London and watch me mill about at home. Last night the forums were going wild, one guy said I was mentally ill, "I can see your nuts" he said - Speaking of which, you should see this  PVC onesie I wear about the house, you get to see it all. That's real transparency. Nothing to hide.