If I Had A Million Dollars

If I had a million dollars these are the things that I would do. The more pedantic of you might notice that some of the things aren't feasible....or cost more than a million dollars 

• Eradicate all pedantry and problems with feasibility (happy now?!)
• I like the outsideness of walking but I'm not a fan of physically walking. Boom - Robot legs.
• A monkey that could bring me chilled drinks (Coca-Cola) and ham sandwiches (with mustard).
• To go watch Barcelona play football, maybe kiss Messi on the mouth, who knows?
• To watch The Stone Roses live and sing the chorus to Sally Cinnamon
• To have a robot that agreed with everything I said. I'd be like "I reckon if Bruce Lee were still alive I could 'av him in a fight" and my robot (Professor Balls) would be like "Absolutely, you'd roundhouse kick him to the face a he'd be fucked up". That would be great.
• Penis reduction (So that I just had one).
• I'd get a girlfriend who was okay but break up with her and then get another one, just so that I could say, "You're much better than my last girlfriend, she was okay, but you're better." And she'd be like "Yeah, I kinda like you too". I'd like that.
• I'd learn how to paint so that I could paint stuff. I wouldn't paint gay shit like flowers or people, but quality stuff like a fucking ten foot orange. Pow, it's a fucking ten foot orange.
• I'd buy the Back To The Future trilogy on blu-ray, I already own it on dvd but I want it on blu-ray. I also want Marty McFly's hoverboard and his Nike trainers.
• I'd get a group of women to come out with me on nights out so that I could get into clubs that want an even mix of men and women. Once inside I could roam about the club trying to meet women. Perfect plan.
• I'd build a lake in my back garden and fill it with fish.
• I'd wear clean underwear everyday, I know it sounds extravagant but it's the kind of eccentric luxury that money can buy.
• I'd get a guy that kind of looks like me but is slightly worse looking. Then I'd get him to hang around with me so that women would be like, "Your mate looks a lot like you, but you're slightly better looking". Then I'd ask them out and they'd say no, but it's okay 'cos my mate is worse looking.
• I'd buy a panda.
• I'd pay for a million trees to be planted in the rainforest. Then I'd buy a huge car and tell any eco-freaks to fuck right off.
• I'd tell everyone that I could speak Creole even though I couldn't. Then I start saying gibberish and get a mate to pretend to understand. Then I'd seem cultured.
• I'd get an exact replica of me made. I'd stand him in the corner of the room while I'm having sex (with a woman) so it's like I'm watching myself have sex. If the woman is weired out I'll just tell her that it's so I never forget my dead twin, she'll be fine with it and we can't get back down to the sex.
• I'll buy a juicer and actually use it.
• I'll put all the money in a high interest savings account and live my life as I do now. But I'd walk down the street and be like "I've got a million dollars in the bank." Then I'd buy a can of Fanta. Tremendous.
• I'd give a small portion to charity.
• I'd build a gym in my garden, and then pay a man to come up with new reasons why I'm not going to the gym now that it's in my back garden.
• I'd spend much of my time drinking gin and tonics.
• Two words: Shark fights.
• I'd build a moat and drawbridge around my house but never raise the drawbridge, cos I'm friendly.
• I'd buy a flat in Paris cos I once heard that ladies from France don't wear any pants.
• I'd try to bring peace to the world. Failing that I'd stop all news getting to my house so at least I didn't have to hear about the trouble.
• I'd pay the rest of the Jackson 5 to dance on Michael's grave so it was sort of like a reunion.
• I'd have my own dictionary made so that I could finally win at scrabble.
• I'd write beautiful, romantic poetry on paper and then fold it into origami swans. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Then I'd set all the swans out onto my lake, these little papers swans floating across the tranquil water.Then I'd invite the woman I love to come for a boat ride. I'd row her out into the middle of the lake, then I'd tell her to pick up one of the swans. As she was leaning over to pick one up I'd push her in the water and laugh really hard. 
• I'd want to physically dominate the prime minister of Japan, just to let him know that despite what they're up to, I could still 'av him in a fight.

That's it. Those are all the things I'd do if I had a million dollars. Now you can all stop bothering me, I'm sick of it-"Oh Richard, what would you do if you had a million dollars?". "Richard, if I gave you a million dollars, what would you spend it on". Now you know.