My Life in Pieces: Piece One

I'll start at the beginning, I think it's best to write biographies in chronological order otherwise there's a lot of exposition, sentences like "I recalled this man, I had met him earlier, you'll read about him later when I earlier meet him....later?"- very confusing.

A lot of biographies are often like biopics typed out on paper, whereas this will be like my mind fucked a dictionary to produce a sexy-word child. There will be no filler, no umms or aahhs, just pure word -meat, or meaty-words. Meaty-words like trampoline, vicious and length. You will have read biographies before, but I assure you that this is completely different....as I am a different person and have lead a different life (If you are re-reading this biography then it may be similar to biographies you have read before).

My birth was very normal, my mother was pumped with drugs until she was nearly unconscious and I just fell out of her lower half. Textbook. The only minor problem was that the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and had to be removed, my psychiatrist thinks it may be the reason that I have a penchant for auto-erotic asphyxiation but I'm not too sure (He also thinks I'm a racist, he shouldn't just use black and white Rorscach cards, course they're gonna look like a scary black face every time).

My mother always said that I was like a single quintuplet, she said that I seemed like I was part of a group, that's why she always dressed me the same. Every time she introduced me to people she would tell them that I was an only quintuplet, "uniquely generic" was her nickname for me. My mother was warm (because of the booze) and giving (mostly of me to strangers), and she loved me like a son which was convenient.

My father was a cold and distant man. In fact a colder and more distant man you're unlikely to find (he was like a chest-freezer that you keep in the garage). My father told people I was a mistake, "Potentially my child" he would proudly tell people. I had a very happy childhood, my mother gave me enough love for four children and my father loved me unconditionally after he won his case against Durex.........though that love did come with conditions. 

I learnt to play the piano before I could walk - I was five, the cage I was kept was too cramped for me to stand. At age six I composed a series of variations of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, nothing spectacular but there was beauty in their simplicity, my dad said they were shit and asked me if I knew any Motley Crue .

By age six I was too big for my cage and was left to roam about our spacious maisonette. Well, I thought it was spacious, turns out that my parents had moved house without telling me, the house was empty. This was an issue for me as, at that age, I had little grasp on the value of money....or how to earn it. I remember how the local shop owners would take advantage of me, I once paid £12:43 for a Curly Wurly and a can of Fanta (I'm used to that now in London but this was Preston in 1992, outrageous).

One night I was sleeping in my cage (it was too small but for some reason it made me feel safe) when an urban fox crept in the back door. He scampered about the kitchen looking for scraps of food, finding nothing he headed into the lounge and up to my cage. I told him to leave me alone and get out of my house, but, of course, he was a fox and only spoke limited Portuguese. I tried my best with some Spanish but he could only understand the odd word.

We bonded over our mutual love of pointing at things and shouting in our respective languages. I called him Badger and he called me Bambino (which is odd). I insisted that he and his wife, Felicia move in with me, he accepted. Once we'd overcome the language barrier there were very few problems, we all had our own strengths and helped the group as a whole. The only time we ever fell out was when I rubbed beef paste on my balls and got Felicia to lick them (she couldn't help herself, once she smelt that beef paste she went to town). Badger walked in and saw his missus licking my balls and wagging her tail like no tomorrow. He was furious. I instantly regretted what I'd done, he was my best friend and confidant and I'd betrayed him by rubbing beef paste on my balls and getting Felicia to lap at em like a pro. He got me back though, he bit my arm and I got rabies and nearly died so now we're even.

Read the next instalment of "My Life in Pieces" to find out what happened next.