My Secret Admirer

This is not just an excuse for me to brag that someone finds me attractive, I've said before that my modesty is my 6th best quality. This is more of a way to help find out who they are, for want of a better phrase, I'm trying to flush her out.........I thought Bracket Guy would have some sort of douche joke after that sentence, weird.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I got an e-mail from Bieberphile69@hotmail.com. It said that they were my secret admirer and to fill out the attached questionnaire. All I had to do was click on the answers and send it back. Here are the questions-

Who has a pair of binoculars, a basic grasp of French, and is crazy about someone? 

A) You

B) Tennis legend John McEnroe

C) This moi 

D) None of the above

It was a good job I was given the options otherwise I'd never of got it, so I clicked A

How many sexual partners have you had in the last year?

                  

I wanted to big myself up a little bit, try to impress whoever it was.....so I clicked 3, oh yeah.

Describe yourself in three words?

Again I was trying to impress so I went with, Intelligent, Caring, Barack Obama, Maverick.

I like to get to know someone before I sleep with them, do you think you'd have the patience to wait for me?

I wanted to respect her beliefs so I went with "I don't know who you are but if you were the right person then I would wait til you were ready, don't worry about me, I once went 21 years without sex.....then another 3 years.

Do you or anybody in your family have a history of mental illness?

I told her about my uncle John. John was a hard-working builder, all his life he worked hard and built stuff. Then one day, just after he turned 42 he was convinced that he was a black jazz blues musician. He left his wife and kids, changed his name to Leroy, and we never saw him again. But I'm not too sure that really counts

Have you ever had an STD?

Only clingyness

Have you ever been in love?

Not with anybody else

Would you say that you have a strong personality?

The one I have now had to overpower the other three, so pretty much

Are you allergic to anything?

Cat hair, gay people, condoms.

What's your biggest fear?


Velociraptors, spiders, intimacy

What's you idea of a perfect date?

February third, it just rolls off the tongue.

How would you impress me?

With my clothes on

Would you like to go on a date with me?

I said yes.

I sent the questionnaire back and waited. A week passed and I decided to I go over my answers again to see if there was anything that might have put her off........nothing. I kinda thought that was the end of it but last night something very strange happened. Before I tell you what happened I want you to know that I locked my flat before I went to bed and it was still locked when I woke up, there were no signs of forced entry. Now, I'll tell you what happened. I woke up this morning and found that I had come in my sleep.......you know....with my penis and that. Now I don't know how she got in or how she managed to do it without waking me up but I'd like to know who she is.

I don't like many women. In my whole life I've only liked five. There has to be something special about them for me to like them. I can't stop thinking about this one. While I was asleep dreaming about something really embarrassing that once happened to me in an R.E class, she broke into my flat and gently went to town on me. Amazing. I'm guessing that it's someone who knows me so if it's you, please send me an e-mail so we can meet.

Who could she be? (This moi)