The Perfect Woman

For those who don't know, a dream board is were you take images of all the things you want and make them into a collage, you then focus all your positive energy on these images and then you will get them. It's that simple (every idiot does it). I thought what I'd do is make one for the perfect woman, it must be easier to get one thing than a bunch of 'em. Now, I'm not going to make a collage for two reasons: One - A collage would be made up purely of images and I'm not so superficial, to me beauty comes from within (he was just saying that to his friends, Black Guy and Green Eyes Girl). Two- I think if you're male and making a collage of want you want then it'll probably be of a man's penis in or around your mouth.

So I'll just list them (Great, another list of funny items, you haven't done that before) - Bracket Guy is such a bitch, I bet his collage would just be pictures of his parenthesese before they were murdered, loser.

• Someone that makes me want to be a better man - No wait, I mean someone that let's me think I'm Batman. Over time sex with the same partner becomes predictable. With my last girlfriend I would stand in front her wearing nothing but a fedora, she would make sure that Britain's Got Talent isn't on T.V and it was business time (business hours were short). But the monotony effects everyone and to alleviate the boredom it's good to role play every now and again. I liked to pretend I'm Batman and she liked to pretend that she still found me attractive. We broke up after I had my cape on and we were going at it and then she starts saying, "Yeah, you like fucking Lois Lane, don't you?". I was fuming, I was like, "No, you're Vicki Vale you silly bitch, Lois Lane was Superman's missus. I'm Batman", she made a speeding bullet joke and that was the end of it. So what I'm looking for is a woman who enjoys the Batman films and has maybe taken an improv class or two. Simple.

• A woman that likes to laugh - A wise man once said "Laughter is the greatest noise a woman can make with her clothes on, and the worst if my clothes are off" - It was me, I said that. That doesn't mean I want a woman to laugh at all my jokes 'cos I don't (he absolutely does), I want someone fun who I can laugh with. Sharing a sense of humour is important, so if you're mean-spirited, angry and sarcastic then you should give me a call, alternatively, if you like Peter Kay, Lee Mach or Miranda Hart, then you should go fuck yourself. I'm just kidding, Include Little Britain on that list too.

• Women who drink- A lot of women are so bothered about seeming proper and lady-like that they never fully relax. They never properly let go. To them, a night out is just another opportunity to have their photos taken holding a wine glass in their new favourite dress. I like women that are unhinged, the kind of woman that will get so drunk there's an equal chance of her blowing you in the taxi home as there is her trying to stab you with a stiletto. I like women with crazy eyes and drink problems, because life is more fun when there's a chance you might die (words we should all live by, though maybe not for long).

•  Recreational drug users - This is similar to the drinking thing really, don't really need to add much more. I'm not advocating the use of strong drugs like crystal meth or heroin, or drugs you have to smoke like pot or crack, or anything hallucinogenic like acid, but all the other ones. I wouldn't do any drugs myself, I'd just enjoy watching her take it (like that swingers party he took his last girlfriend to)

• Likes music by bands, has been in a band, hasn't fucked anyone in a band- I would settle for one of the three, funnily enough my ex was one of the three when we first started going out, until she went out in Shoreditch and met one of The Horrors. She didn't even know who he was, her mate had to tell her, next thing you know she's getting nailed in some bedsit by guy a guy in skinny jeans. She then pulls up her underwear, pulls down her dress and uses his straighteners. She comes round to mine and asks me if I've heard of them and if I liked their music. I could still smell him on her. It smelt like hairspray and betrayal. Broke my heart.  So..... girls who like music with guitars in and that.

That's about it really. So what I'm gonna do now is print this off and focus all my positive energy on it (he doesn't have much) and then one day, you never know, she might walk into my life. I'll be on the lookout for an alcoholic drug user, who laughs a lot and makes stuff up....possibly with a guitar. Come to think of it, I think my perfect woman is working in the subway near the supermarket......I always imagined the perfect woman wouldn't stink so much of piss, of course some piss....just not as much, but beggars can't be choosers, eh?

Peace and Fucking. Believe.