Tara - The Settlement

Tara and I were never married, but due to the complexities of her arrival in the country I was legally responsible for her. It's difficult to explain, I don't fully understand it myself but here goes -

For me to import Tara into this country I had to have Fed-Ex transport her overnight. Due to certain antiquated slavery laws I was not allowed to pay for her to be shipped overseas. I had to set up my own foundation (The Richard Howarth Foundation For Sexually Attractive Women), register it as a charity and then use the charity's money to have her transported here as a missionary (though most her work was doggy or reverse cowgirl). When we broke up she sued me for wrongful dismissal.

Here are the terms of our settlement -

• I have to return her false leg
• She was given sole custody of our porcelain dog, Leroy (we stood in the yard and called it for hours but it didn't move, I let her have it, it was a drag taking it for walks).
• I have to pay her £1,100 p/m until she gets a new job
• I was now allowed to use her name in any comedy material (for the last 4 months she had a gagging order on me)
• She got to keep the gags and the butt-plugs (hers only)
• She got the clothes off my back (I was wearing her blouse)
• I have to sell the house and she gets 15% of the money
• She can go fuck herself
• She got to keep her car (which I paid for)
• I get to keep all the poetry I wrote for her, though I did allow her to keep the new experimental stuff (it's the word cunt written over and over in shit).
• I get to keep her name. I called her Tara, now she has to go back to Equivocado or whatever she was called before.
• She is now a board member of my charity (The Richard Howarth Foundation For Sexually Attractive Women). In fact, she came home early the other week and had to oversee me helping a young woman earn money for college.
• She gets the collection of crotchless underwear and the photos of me in them.
• I get to keep all the sex tapes, including the extended version (after my operation) and the uncut version (before my circumcision)

There you have it. It really is a modern day love story - I found her in the jungle, shipped her to England, taught her love, sex...and English. We broke up when I thought she was dumping me, but was, in fact, taking me on holiday. Then there was the incident where I broke into her flat and now we're separated and she gets the porcelain dog (I'm waiting for Disney's lawyers to option it for a movie)

This hasn't made me disheartened or jaded about love, it has only made me more determined to find some better.....and to get a better contract of employment drawn up.